Monday, December 10, 2012

Delaying...

I sit here and study for finals not sure if the information is really sticking in my head. Is this a normal sensation or should I be taking some herbal remedies for memory. Of course, I compare myself to a 21 year old like the rest of the class, which doesn’t help. When do you draw the limits to where you can go. Do I keep trying to reach for that goal that comes into sight, then slowly dips away out of view for extended periods of time. It seems like it will never end. Sometimes days are just too tough and too stressful that I just want to give up on my dreams. Some days I want to give it more than my all and try to make up for the days that didn’t go as planned. Sometimes I just need a break.

Friday, May 4, 2012

Take the bull by the horns...

It’s amazing the different experiences we all have on this planet. I went to my assigned college advisor today to talk about my future plan for graduation and he looked at it for 2 minutes and said this looks good. He didn’t verify my credit totals or even confirm that I could graduate when I wanted. “Sure, this looks good” while shooing me out the door, even though I schedule an appointment with him. I then ran into a friend and discussed my issues and she had the exact opposite with her advisor. This seems like a world not made for proactive people. If you can’t grab the bull by the horns and demand answers, then you will be left in the dust. If I were a meek little student and couldn’t voice my opinion then I would probably not get anywhere. This feels like a “promote the strong and leave the weak behind,” type of movement. And I personally think that is a sad state to be in. We all have to step up to get what we want in this life and I will not settle for “Sure, this looks good.” I will contact someone who can help me achieve my intense-crazy goals and be there to support me.

Definition; Adviser: An educator who advises students in academic and personal matters.

Sunday, April 1, 2012

Non-traditional Students at Western Washington University

This article below was written about my experiences at Western Washington University, and was almost published in the school's magazine, the Klipsun. The editors wanted Ariana to include some statistics about non-traditional students at Western, from the Admissions department, but they could not provide much. Therefore, the article was not published.

Note* Some of the facts are not correct.

I hope you enjoy.


Editors Note about the issue: Klipsun Magazine


NON TRADITIONAL STUDENTS
ARIANA LOPEZ


Nicole Nelson and her parents pulled the heavily packed vehicle into the Birnam Wood Apartments. She gazed at the dark brown building that she would be calling home for the rest of the school year. Excitement was tingling throughout her body as she made her way to her apartment door, her parents following close behind her. She remembers the mixed emotion of that day. Once she was settled in, she walked her parents to their car. The goodbyes were bittersweet, however, she could see the pride in her parents eyes. She felt a sense of pride as well. After all, being here was what she had been working so hard to accomplish for the last 10 years.

Attending college is a new experience with many life-altering decisions to be made. For some students this experience did not come right after high school but much later in life. After a decade of living in the “real world” Nelson has made her way back to college. She searched for more individuals like her to share her experiences with. From this search she found other students that like her have just returned to school after experiencing the working world.
Six weeks into her first quarter at Western, Nelson, 29, finds herself juggling school, work and the usual task of finding one’s place in a new community.

Nelson is a self-proclaimed non-traditional student. Time is what makes non-traditional students stand out from the rest, she says. Older student may be another more literal, but not necessarily accurate, way to refer to such students. It is not about the age, she says. It’s about the experiences that took place during that time outside of school.

Finding others with that shared time line is what drove Nelson to create a post on Viking Village. This post has received over 20 responses that have resulted in a group bowling night and several coffee get together. From bowling nights to coffee get-togethers, these non-traditional students find support in each other to help them adjust to their new school and community.
Briana Kinash, 25, is one of the youngest respondents to Nelson’s post. She is also a great example of the difference between an older student and a non-traditional student. Not much older than her peers, it’s not age the sets her experience at Western apart. After high school she took a year of community college and then decided to attend art school.

Eventually, she decided to go back to traditional school and relocated from Seabeck, Wash. to Bellingham and is now working on her neuroscience degree. She is looking forward to graduating in a year or so and being able to move back home with her boyfriend.

Every story is different, Nelson says. We all have taken different paths and have found ourselves in the same place at the moment.

Nicole

Nelson describes herself a very shy person. She smiles, but her expression of sincerity does not change. She admits her friends think she is outgoing because she always seems to find herself socially involved with something.
“What they don’t realize is how hard it is for me to get involved,” Nelson says. “ I just love doing new things, so I force myself to be more involved.”

When Nelson graduated from high school in 2001, she had plans to continue her education. At that time, Nelson had been in a relationship for some time. Once she graduated, he proposed. She was married at the age of 20. He was in the military and he didn’t think it was important for her to go back to school, she says.

They relocated to Alaska, where three and a half years later they divorced. She then relocated to California where she worked for the same company for a little over a decade. Nelson would attend school sporadically through out this time, but she always knew she wanted to go back full-time.

Even though Nelson enjoyed her job, after some time she became frustrated with her inability to move up the company ladder. “I needed to go back and get my BA,” she says. The stress of not being able to advance in her field continued to increase for Nelson. Eventually her mother suggested she move back home and finish school. Realizing that she might never have an opportunity like this again, she took her mother’s proposal.

She moved back to Snohomish, Wash. and attended Everett Community College. “There were definitely more non-traditional students in my community college,” Nelson says. She assumed that Western’s student demographic would be similar, but she now realizes she was wrong.

Currently, Nelson is living on campus with a roommate and two other housemates. She evaluates her situation at home as stable. The age difference, while evident, does not have significant impact in daily interactions. Nelson says she can only remember one time when she was asked for advice.

She says that traditional students are at a point in their lives where they are redefining their identity. This is a process Nelson has already gone through, she says her identity is something she is very comfortable with.
“For traditional students school is their identity,” she says. “ Non-traditional students have other more prevalent identities such as being a parent, spouse or a career person.”

While Nelson doesn’t mind the companionship of younger students, she found herself wanting to find other students who could relate more to her life and current experience. Since her post she has met several other non- traditional students and has enjoyed exchanging stories with other non-traditional students, like Dan.

Dan

Dan Frank, 41, is in his second quarter at Western. Frank has had a harder time finding his place among Western’s traditional student community than he had predicted. Coming from a full-time position at a telecommunications company, Frank spent 10 years climbing up the company’s work ladder.

“My life was full of meetings, business phone calls and e-mails,” he says. Although financially stable, Frank realized he was not happy. Once this realization took place, he decided that since he was not married and had no children, he needed to reevaluate his life. After a few months of toying with the idea of returning to school full time, he took a leap of faith and did just that.

Aside from academic learning, Frank has learned other valuable lessons and made many observations throughout his experience here at Western. A distinct difference between the social norms from his school days and todays norms that Frank has observed is the attitude towards same sex relationships. While Frank identifies as heterosexual he finds this change refreshing, because no one should be able to dictate happiness for other people. Frank enjoys being able to experience these generational differences.

Although the adjustment was a lot harder to make than he had expected, Frank is enjoying this academic journey. While academics do take up a large portion of Frank’s life, he also has been searching for a way to find a comfortable social circle. Nelson’s post on Viking Village was exactly what he was looking for.

Every story is different, Nelson says. We all have taken different paths and have found ourselves in the same place at the moment. Sharing these stories was her main goal when reaching out to other non-traditional students. Time is an interesting concept, she says. Sometimes one can find themselves right back where they should have started.

Thursday, March 8, 2012

Thank you The Tiny Book of Tiny Stories.
_________________________________________________________

Dear Shoes,

Thank you for your recent support.

Even though I tend to walk all over you, I hold you close to my heart.

Until tomorrow,

Me
__________________________________________________________

There once was a man looking at the sea

He was holding a bottle

'I got your message' he said
__________________________________________________________

If I read our story backwards, it’s about how I un-broke your heart, and then we were happy until one day you forgot about me forever.

I love happy endings.
__________________________________________________________

Sleep escapes me.
Though I chase it
It eludes me at every turn.
Sleep is to me as
Frank was to the cop in Catch Me If You Can:
Somehow just a step ahead
In the direction I don't seem to be heading.

Sleep is to me as
Water is to a beached whale:
If I don't get some soon I'm in trouble.
Sleep escapes me.
Though I chase it
It eludes me at every turn.

Sleep is to me as
Jerry is to Tom:
A wild game of cat and mouse
In a world where the mouse always wins.
Sleep escapes me.
Though I chase it
It eludes me at every turn.

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Earth

I have really enjoyed taking Environmental Science this quarter to truly understand the earth and the impact we have on her. However, it's sad to realize how small and insignificant I am on this rock that will eventually seize to exist. It’s depressing to think that we are causing her so much harm, yet we do nothing because we won’t be around to see the effects of our actions.

Friday, March 2, 2012

University Life

I don’t know where to begin! This first quarter at Western Washington University has been a whirlwind and it’s just about over already.

My classes started off pretty interesting. Cognition is all about how people think, and I’ve learned a lot about the specifics of the human mind. Pretty interesting stuff!

Abnormal Psychology has been a lot of repeat information since I already took Abnormal Psychology in 2009 at Las Positas Community College. I am not sure why Western would not accept it as a transfer. I am still working on that… The professor has never taught a class of this size (85 students), so the class seems incredibly disorganized. I went to speak with him and I’ve decided to take a class with him over the summer. It seems he would be a great teacher in a smaller classroom when students could participate in discussions. I am looking forward to it!

The most interesting class is my Environmental Science class. It has over 400 students!! I heard it’s the biggest class on campus. I figured it would be a typical general class, but I have learned a lot and have come to respect the Earth a lot more. I’ve learned about Climate Change, and Genetically modified food, watersheds, and human population. I feel I can have more intriguing discussions about these things. Yay! School is doing its job. hahahah

After a few weeks of getting through my classes and not meeting many people my age, I thought I would go out on a limb and post on the schools forum. I posted that I was looking for other folks who were 25 and older, and return students. It’s amazing! There were many folks who responded and I’ve meet some great people for coffee a few times and a few of us went bowling. It’s been a fun experience so far and I am so happy that there are people at this University that are in my age range. We talk about some interesting and different things that would be hard to discuss with traditional students. I am thrilled that I went against my character and looked for similar students. I think I could have gone the entire year here and not met these new friends I now have.

Another great outcome from my forum posting was being interviewed by Western Washington Universities magazine. A writer was doing a study on returning students and how times change the experiences at a University. The article ended up not being published because the University was not able to provide her with enrollment details for non-traditional students.

So far, it’s been a fun ride and I have many more quarters to go. I am looking forward to my upcoming time at Western Washington University.

Walking in the snow at Western Washington University:

Harry Potter Room in the Library at Western Washington University:

Snow on the campus of Western Washington University:

Saturday, December 10, 2011

Speechless

Well, I certainly have no words to express myself... I was accepted into University of Washington! Although I will not be attending, I will always know that I was accepted. Wow, just awesome. PROOF that I should not doubt myself, and give myself the credit I deserve.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Thanksgiving 2011

Grandma and Don came to visit over Thanksgiving and it sure was fun. Big 22 pound turkey and all sorts of new recipes. Mom always said to not try new recipes for guests and she confirmed why. Sweet potatoes in the Crockpot were boring. Pumpkin Chiffon pie was a disaster, even with help from Don, the baker. Brie with figs and brown sugar was to die for. Thanks to Nicole for this idea. Oh wait, that’s me! =)

I had to work on Thanksgiving at MIDNIGHT, crazy shoppers. So I went to sleep after we ate around 7pm, and slept until 9:30pm. Then off to work. At least it wasn’t snowing! HUGE morning huddle with over 30 people, every cash register filled, line around the building. Crazy shoppers! Fun morning, but around 8am I started to feel those sleepy eyes. I went home and low and behold, my grandmother wants to drive to Bellingham to visit my new school. Ahhhh…I do it, and it sure is worth it. I fell asleep on the drive home. Here are some pictures of Western Washington University in Winter 2011.




Monday, October 17, 2011

The future is waiting

I submitted my personal statement and application to both University of Washington and Western Washington University. After a few weeks of debate I realized that WWU would be the better choice for me. I knew I would fit in there better with a few thousand students versus 41,000! Psychology is at my core, yet either school would help me earn a great education. Also at the heart was that I would be able to move out and live independently with other College students, and that is looking perfect right now.

After about a week I started checking the mail every day for a letter or package. Nothing… day after day. I knew it had only been about 2 weeks since I submitted my paperwork to WWU and 1 month and 2 weeks since I submitted to UW, but I had to know. It was driving me mad! One day I received it. It was a big envelope so I knew it had to be good…or was it? YES! I got accepted to Western Washington University! I ran down the steep driveway and held out the letter in front of my mom’s face and she gave me a big hug. Yeah!!! A new path is life has been opened to me. I can’t wait to get started.






Saturday, September 17, 2011

Train/Maroon 5 Concert

Concert: Train & Maroon 5
Date: September 13th, 2011
Location: White River Amphitheater
Time: 7:00pm
Pictures via Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.10150373431544179.406914.624049178&l=2388357dfd&type=1

I was super lucky and my parents got me tickets to go see Maroon 5 and Train in concert. The albums by these bands have been on my most played list for months and when I heard they were coming in concert, TOGETHER, I HAD to go!

I end up driving down with Rita, my friend from Math last quarter at EVCC. We have never hung out, but I can tell she could be a great friend. It takes us over 2 hours to go about 55 miles. Talk about traffic, but we had some good conversations and got to know each other’s histories. Fun times talking about horrific first dates.

Well, I thought the concert was AWESOME!!

Maroon 5 was pretty typical and I knew all but one of the songs. Adam Levine really knows how to sing and I loved it when he free-styled a few times.

Now Train, being my favorite, were amazing! It was so much fun at the beginning when their entrance started with a approaching train choo-choo sound and it finally blew it's horn seconds before Train appeared. They opened with Parachute, which I didn't get to hear at their last concert, and it was a perfect opener. Pat really got the crowd involved with songs and singing along. I think I knew the words to every song, again. Great times!

And something to NOT remember is that at the end of the concert, it took us about an hour to go 0.6 miles out of the parking area. UGH! IT WAS WORTH IT!












VIDEOS FROM THIS CONCERT ARE BELOW.

TRAIN:
Hey Soul Sister: GOOD
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R20ijQ9KLm8
Parachute:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=emqIiMVPQdQ
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yuAACzSpSeA&t=42s
Meet Virginia:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vJVWQxZkt9M
Save me San Francisco:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X-gyJr20bUY
Marry Me:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RXipT9I-5qc
Drops of Jupiter:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wAwikcN-On8
Calling All Angels:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QtG6FPlrHvU

MAROON 5:
Wake up call:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SJax92_UBkk
Misery:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uiDJKjz4EuM
Harder to Breathe/Sunday Morning:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0qifhGEKPhc
She will be loved:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LD0pC1HpW0Q

Thursday, June 16, 2011

The Pocket Therapist

A few wonderful things I learned from an awesome little book!
The Pocket Therapist by Therese J. Borchard

Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the quite voice at the end of the day saying, ‘I will try again tomorrow.’ – Mary Anne Radmacher

One definition of insanity, and I’d throw in suffering, is doing the same thing over and over again, each time expecting different results. It’s so easy to see this pattern in others, but I can be so blind with my own attempts at disguising self-destructive behavior in a web of lies and rationalizations. That’s why, when I’m in enough pain, I write everything down- So I can read for myself exactly how I felt after I had coffee with the person who was more interested in my choice of coffee drink than in my health, or after a phone call with a relative who enjoys pressing my bitchy buttons. The case for breaking a certain addiction, or stopping a behavior contributing to depression, is much strong once you can read the evidence provided from the past.

Don’t take anything personally. If you can pull this off, you spare yourself a lot of suffering, not to mention free up oodles of brain capacity. So when I think that a friend is upset with me by the way she is acting-not returning my phone calls or is blowing me off,- but she hasn’t said anything to me, I don’t need to worry about it. Not until she spills her can of whoop-ass all over me do I have to worry my neurotic little head about what’s going on in her limbic system. And guess what? Even then, I still don’t’ have to claim it. That’s entirely up to me! “Even when a situation seems so personal, even if other insult you directly, it has nothing to do with you. What they say, what they do, and the opinions they give are according to the agreements in their own minds.”

Befriend yourself. Have you ever wondered how long one of your friends would stick with you if you talked to her the way you shout at yourself? My therapist calls me on this dichotomy practically every session. “What would you say to a friend in your shoes?” She’ll ask me. “I’d tell her to be gentle with herself, to eat a pint of Ben & Jerry’s, and spend three hours watching Oprah if it made her feel better.” Of course I need not go that far. Most of the time, all I have to do is put away the whip and make myself a friendship bracelet instead.

Bawl your eyes out. Tears remove toxins from our body. Emotional tears contain more toxic byproducts that tears of irritation, like when you peel an onion, indicating that weeping is surely nature’s way of cleansing the heart and mind. Second, tears elevate mood. It lowers a person’s manganese level which can cause anxiety, nervousness, irritability, fatigue, and aggression. Finally, crying is cathartic. It’s as if your boyd has been accumulating hurts and resentments and fears, until your limbic system runs out of room and then, like a volcano, the toxic gunk spews forth everywhere… That’s good, because the cardiovascular and nervous systems run more smoothly after some emotional perspiration.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Save Me, San Francisco Music Video

As you all know, a few years ago Micky and I attend a taping of the Music video Save Me, San Francisco by the musical group Train. http://nicoleinsidemymind.blogspot.com/2010/07/train-music-video-7142010.html

The video was finally completed so here it is:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zftcZYdOl3Y
You can't miss Mick, the bald dad of the groom, and you can see my bumm around :25 and :28 seconds into the video.

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Hard work pays off!

It’s the week of finals, and some may say that it’s normally really stressful and full of ups and downs. Well it has been that plus more. It’s been a really great week and it’s only Thursday!

Tuesday was the Spanish final and, to say the least, learning a foreign language is NOT my strong suit. Let’s just leave it as me passing the class. I am happy to have done that and still be able to use it towards my degree. I often think I need to move back to Arizona in order to surround myself in the language. That would sure help.

Then the Research Psychology final on Wednesday, scared to death, I have to get an A in this class! It can’t be that bad, can it? An hour and a half of fill in the blank, describe, and try to read the teachers mind. He offered to grade our tests after completing the 6 page test so I decide to stay after, as most students do. I am the second to last one done so I decide to stay and we discuss answers and I was able to debate a few of my answers and why I thought that way. On the last part of the test after he grades it he says, you are the first one to get this one right. Awesome! Discussing the test helps and I get an 81% on the test. Eh, not a good score in my eyes, but he said I was the second highest score so far, so I am happy! Later that afternoon, he told us the average for the final was 71%. Eek! Not sure how to express my feelings on this one, but I don’t think it’s good when most students barely pass. I often think it’s a reflection of the teacher, but I learned in this class that it’s the material. It’s confusing and complex and needs further discussion in order to understand. Anyway…We also learn that the class average is 81%, so he grades on a curve and bumps our grades up and mine shoots to a 94%. Shit, I’ll take that! I’ve never worked my ass off so hard for a class and it paid off, finally. AND, I really enjoyed the material too. It’s great to finally get to upper level courses that are actually interesting versus mandatory.

Today (Thursday) rolls around and it’s the math final. A few of us decide to meet at Denny’s to work on the test together at 10am, as the test is being posted at 8am. 8am comes and goes and no final is posted. 9am nothing. After calls and emails to the professor, nothing! Start freaking out! I text a few other students, and they don’t have it either. We decide to meet at Denny’s and wait for the test. Over an hour later, and nothing, finally at around 11:30 she posts it so we all complete it and get 100%. Well this finals week is the best finals week ever and I’ve taking part of a lot of finals weeks.

I reach out to my Psych professor to thank him for allowing me to take the class without the math prerequisite, and tell him the number of credits I am taking for my self-study in the Fall quarter. He reply’s back with a few good details about the self-study and then reports that I did well this quarter, and said “Your effort and the quality of your work was exceptional-- at the top of the class.”

Now, I am NOT one to brag, I actually HATE drawing attention to myself, but I had to write about it because it made me feel accomplished. I have not felt this good since I got good feedback from my old job at DDI. It’s really good to feel intelligent when you try your hardest! Hard work does pay off! Hopefully, I can get a professor recommendation letter for my application to UW. CROSS YOUR FINGERS!

Saturday, June 4, 2011

Nat Geo Explorer Struck By Lightning

I learned some new things during this show! It was amazing. I have never stared at the tv for so long without blinking. haha.

A lot of the “survivors” had weird memory problems due to the brains reaction to the really strong electricity. They did fMRI’s on survivor’s brains and showed them a video of blinking dots one after another and then after the last dot disappears the person has to remember where it was on the screen. They found that more brain areas react but it’s at lower levels. The frontal lobe has little reaction when the person is thinking of where the dot was. So in essence they have to think harder because their brain is just not reacting normally. Which I have to tell you, I find this to be true. I often have to close my eyes and forget about outside stimuli in order to remember where I put something. Even at work I find myself forgetting silly things and have to strain to remember where an item is.

Most lightning survivors also have strange physical pains in different parts of the body that can't be pin-pointed to any specific thing. (Remember you of my back pain?) Doctors say it's mostly related to the nervous system damage that the lightning causes as it electrifies the body. It damages the nerves and when they are damaged they lose their sense of when to let the body know there is pain present.

I found some doctors in Chicago that are specialists in the human body after it’s been struck by lightning, so I’m researching them because it would be great to know more. I just wish folks, especially the university admissions office, would know about my struggle and it’s hard to express to people, or even admit, that I’m just not what I used to be! In all honesty, I downplay lightning, but I do think it’s a cause of some of the negative issues in my life. A lot of the times people just wish they would have died so they didn’t have to deal with the lifelong effects of being a lightning survivor.

P.S. I know people don’t think much about lighting, and think it’s pretty, which I agree, but it’s not taken seriously and I think people need to really take care of themselves and get inside with any inclination of a storm approaching. Just like the bomb-squad t-shirt says “if you see me running, you better run too,” the same goes for me and lightning. If you see me go indoors before a storm, you should too!

Monday, May 23, 2011

Dear Baby Diary/Scrapbook

Dear Baby- I created this Dear Diary scrapbook for my friend Julie and I just wanted to post some pictures since I am so proud. It took a few months, well 9 to be exact, but I heard about this idea a few years ago. I was in Vegas and I remember reading it somewhere, or something and I just knew I had to do it! So I waited patiently and when I heard the news of the pregnancy, IT WAS ON!!! I went out and bought all of the fun baby paper, and embellishments, and started crafting. I did most of the work during Spring Break, and then finished the week after the baby was born. I hope you like it! =D


Dear Baby: Today your mommy told me she was pregnant with you!!

Dear Baby Diary Page for Julie's Birthday in May 2011:

Police chase through my College today...

I was standing in our schools cafe today and we all turned around when we heard police sirens near-by. And by near-by, I mean right outside the window, ON the pedestrian walkway, where there are trees, rocks, bushes and a lot of flowers...

Needless to say, approximately 5 cop cars speed by at speeds of around 30 miles an hour. They were flying by, on a pedestrian pathway!! What is going on?!?! Needless to say everyone ran outside to see what was going on, after standing there speechless for a few seconds.
Here is the news article. Thank goodness everyone is okay!



Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Doubt

I’ve been feeling pretty discouraged lately. I keep questioning my intentions and motivations and evaluating all my past mistakes. I know I should look towards the future and learn from my mistakes, but it just all feels hard right now. I keep wondering if it’s the weather getting to me, or the missing sun part, but it’s just been depressing up here. I wonder why I keep moving from place to place and lose friends only to gain new ones eventually. I miss all my old friends. Like Julie said one day, I have good friends, I don’t want new ones. That is how I feel, but I force myself to get out there and try to enjoy my free time, if I ever get some!

I feel completely discouraged about my path in life right now, but trying to keep telling myself it will end great! BUT, what if I don’t get into that college? What if I don’t make good friends to support my life up here? What if the sun doesn’t come back? Ha-Kidding about that last one.

My biggest fear right now is whether or not I can get into the University of Washington. Do I have the right grades, or will my lack of extracurricular activities keep me in the deny pile, will my personal letter be good enough. The best thing to come out of this is to have a father figure in my life again. He keeps remind me that my experience with life experience, happiness, sorrows and life experience that they should be begging me to attend. I don’t know if he is just trying to instill confidence in me or convince me that I am good enough. But I guess I am second guessing myself and don’t give myself enough credit. Well, that is a no brainer.

There are other personal things going on in life, but I don’t feel comfortable writing about them on my blog as they are too personal.

I just feel like I am not connected with any friends anymore and I often wonder, “If I stopped texting, or calling, would they even contact me?”

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

An En-lightning Experience

It has been almost 13 years since I got hit by lightning and evertime I read this story, I get goosebumps. It reminds me about this horrible day and how it changed my life.

Taken from my Uncle Paul's website:
http://www.lifebetweenlivesny.com/NDE.html


An En-lightning Experience -- Paul's Story July 17, 1998.

As the storm approaches from a distance there is talk of delaying the swim meet. We are all disappointed. Do we really need to follow the ten minute rule and delay the meet for ten minutes because of the distant rumble of thunder? The thunder seems so far away. It hardly seems a threat. As the sky grows darker I watch the clouds approach from the other side of the lake. A giant bolt of lightning, way on the other side of the lake lights up the sky. Orion, our little three year old, asks to go home. "It’s OK, RyRy. Don’t worry" I say. A few minutes later there is another huge bolt of lightning, closer this time but still at the other end of the lake. Orion becomes more insistent. "Go home Daddy, go home!" he pleads with me. It is getting darker and the clouds fill the sky. The meet was delayed again and I decide to take Orion to the car. As I climb the hill to the car, my wife Lindsey and Nicole, our fifteen year old niece visiting us from Arizona, gather up the beach chairs and cooler and follow.

I set Orion down in the street next to the car in order to unlock and open the door. I pick him up and place him on the front seat. Leaving the door ajar I go around to the back of the car to load the trunk. Nicole comes up behind me with the cooler and a chair as I lift the tailgate.

As we begin to load the car there is an incredible explosion and searing flash of white light. It is as if a bomb has gone off. There is no warning, no thunder, no flashes, just a huge explosion. And then it starts. I an being electrocuted. My feet and legs begin to vibrate. My whole body goes rigid. And the sound! A roaring buzz fills my body as the electricity climbs up through me into my chest and arms. I feel completely helpless. The ground is alive with current that is killing me. I can’t move. I can’t run. There is no place to go. I cannot escape. I feel my feet vibrating in my sandals as the lightning comes up out of the street and climbs over the rubber soles into my legs. It is the most excruciating pain I have ever experienced. Every muscle in my body tenses and cramps. Like thousands of Charlie horses all at once. My car keys fly out of my hands, my hat pops off my head, and my glasses are blown off my face.

I think to myself "Will it ever stop?" I rage against the relentless charge of energy invading my body. "NO! Get out of my body!" I scream in my mind , as I fight with all my strength. I grow weaker as I bounce rigidly, upright on the pavement. It feels like an eternity, I wonder if it will ever end. Will it stop or will I die? I don’t know which will come first. And then stiff like a statue I am thrown backwards. Out of the corner of my eye I can see Nicole, in the same upright position falling backwards too. There is no way to brace myself from the fall. My muscles don’t respond and it is all happening too fast anyway. I feel my head bouncing on the street as I am thrown down. The pain of my head hitting the pavement is nothing compared to the searing pain of my convulsing body. Later, eye witnesses say we actually flew about six feet in the air like missiles.

Then the rain begins. A few drops and then torrents of rain mixed with hail. Some call it a white out. Everything seems to be in slow motion. People are walking to their cars stunned by the blast, checking to see if their children are alright. I feel invisible. "They don’t know I just got hit by lightning. They don’t know I am dying." Then I try to move but can’t. One arm moves slightly. There is no response in my Legs. Some parts of me are numb and some are in intense pain.

I moan at first, my body still jerking. The moans grow into howls and then, at last, words form and I scream for help. A figure comes toward me reaching out. "Don’t touch him" someone shouts, and he runs away for fear of being electrocuted by me. I still can’t move. Then another person approaches. He checks me and then Nicole as we lay in the street only a few feet apart. Someone brings a blanket. Others try to call for help but their cell phones don’t work because of the intensity of the storm.

Then Lindsey, comes over. She touches my head and tells me to pray. "Call the angels. Call the angels" she says. My mind is rushing "Nicole is OK. What about Orion? Check Orion!" My legs won’t move. And my arm, it doesn’t work either. Oh God, what is happening? The rain is heavy now. I am getting wetter and wetter.

Lindsey is hit too, at the same time as Nicole and me. Her legs sore, she is limping and her arm is burned. Thank God I got Orion in the car just seconds before the explosion. I am too wet and the water in the street is getting deeper and deeper. With help I sit up but am unable to stand. Nicole and I are carried to the car, out of the rain, at last. We wait for help. The police arrive soon after the calls are made but the ambulance is taking forever to get here.

Reunited with Lindsey and Orion, we are all crying and in shock. Nicole is still not talking. When we ask her questions she can only cover her face and cry. Lindsey is saying she was carried by the angels. All we can do is cry and thank God we are alive. Still waiting for the ambulance. I am starting to feel my body again. Now my head hurts as the bump swells. The cop is sitting in the front seat with Lindsey, drenched through, taking names and addresses for his report. He goes out into the rain again to get me an ice pack for my head.

After 45 minutes the ambulances finally arrive. They do their triage and put Lindsey and Orion in one ambulance and me and Nicole in another. The road to the local hospital is closed as some trees, felled by the storm, block the way. They take an alternate route to a small country hospital in Warwick, NY.

During the ride I find I can move my arm again. What a relief. And the feeling in my legs begins to return. I’ll be able to walk! Every time I ask Nicole how she was all she can do is cry. She still can’t talk.

We are taken into the ER, Nicole on the stretcher, I in a wheel chair and Lindsey in one too with Ryan in her lap. They take us to separate rooms. My chest is shaved and electrodes are attached for the EKG. They take blood and urine too. We are in shock. We move between sobbing and laughing, cracking morbid jokes and thanking God. Lindsey is ordering deep dish pepperoni pizza from the ER doctor and I’m walking around with a blanket over my shoulders saying I’m the savior. (Linsdey is a Vegetarian)

What the hell is happeneing to us? Why is it happening? Will we ever be the same again? What are the effects of being hit by lightning? Are we ok? Are we alive? Finally Lindsey and I are able to hug. The tears flow. Orion is alive, Jon-Paul, our eleven year old son, is spared, we still have each other. But, Nicole, is she going to be alright? After J.P. talked to her a bit she begins to talk. Words at last!

We have to call Nicole’s mom at work. "We are OK; we are in the hospital; we were hit by lightning!" I tell my sister. She is speechless. She drops the phone, her boss picks it up and puts us on the speaker phone. We need authorization to take blood and run an IV on Nicole. I get on the phone with Lynette trying to reassure her. We got hit by lightning but we are OK. "Are you sure?!" She asks, dumbfounded. I can’t talk anymore. Lynette gets the details from the nurse and makes arrangements to catch the next flight out.

The doctor is explaining that the lightning can make our hearts beat irregularly or make them stop. It also drives certain elements out of the muscles causing muscle damage and possibly overloading the kidneys. They have found blood in Lindsey’s urine and want to do more tests. Nicole goes to the bathroom but forgets to fill the sample cup with urine. She will have to try again. My IV is about done and now they want to do another. I just want to go home. They really don’t know what to do with us so they decide to discharge us. The television news teams are waiting for us. We make the evening news and the front page of most of the newspapers.

Dazed and confused we return to the sight of the lightning strike to retrieve our car. We realize we are in no shape to drive and have friends take us home. The next day we realize we are in pretty bad shape. Still in shock and sore everywhere. It is hard to move. It feels like I ran a marathon and then got run over by a steam roller.

I call my insurance company to report the emergency room visit and they insist we go back to a better hospital immediately. "You never should have been released! Your heart can stop any time in the first twenty-four hours after being hit by lightning." If my health insurance company is insisting we go back to the emergency room immediately I know we are in rough shape. Three doctors and two emergency medical clinics refuse to see us. They just don’t know what to do for lightning strike victims. Finally, a hospital with a doctor who has treated lightning cases agrees to admit us and off we go.

It has been days since we were discharged. The initial injuries are healing but we are noticing other long term affects. My upper back is in chronic pain. We all have substantial short term memory loss. We forget what we are doing, people's names even where we are or how to get home. I stop to put gas in the car and wonder why the tank is already full. My son reminds me that I just stopped a few minutes earlier and filled it up. I have no memory of doing it. The other big after-effect we notice is sensitivity to storms and to electricity in general. I am scared to open the refrigerator door or to turn on a lamp. Hours before a storm arrives I can feel it. My legs hurt like they did the day after the lightning.

Weeks have passed. My energy level is still frustratingly low and the memory loss is frightening. So many questions arise. I’m trying so hard to get back to normal these days. But, do I really want normal? What is normal anyway? Was I ever normal? What do I want this life to be? I almost lost this life.

In striving to restore some sense of normalcy in my life will the unique opportunity to make more conscious, perhaps even divinely inspired choices about how I live this new life fade as I fall into the same old routine? Or, will I make the most of it? Will I in some profound way, be guided to be or do something exceptional?

Some say I was touched by God. Others say devils were after me. I refuse to live my life in fear. Something deep inside me knows that some "good" will come of this. Although it is a traumatic experience it isn’t a disaster. No life was lost. We are not outwardly wounded or scarred. We don’t even glow in the dark. I know something is different, but, I don’t know what it is yet. Will we write a book, develop some extra sensory perception, become great healers or just be a little nutty?

"He is a changed man since he was struck by lightning" they say. But, what has changed? How has a brush with death changed me? Can I ever be the same again? Do I want to be the same? Promising myself I will change is a far cry from being changed. And that raises an important question. Did I choose this? Was it chosen for me? What am I supposed to get out of all this? These are questions I live with each day.

Get off my toes!

I was sitting in math class today and the teacher was walking around the class and she stopped at me and asked if I was coming to the study session today after class. I told her that I would not make it. I was a little behind in the math homework at this point. She then preceded to berate me, or lecture and bitch to everyone about slacker students who don't belong in college and that half of students in college should just be flunked. Speechless... Little does she know, that I may be one of the hardest workers in her class.


I also got in an argument this weekend with a co-worker because I didn't give her an additional 15% off without her coupon. What she should know, is that I could get fired if management were to see me giving that discount. Sorry, I am not going to get fired for saving you $5.00. A manager came by me later that evening and we got to talking about coupons and I brought the situation up. She was not surprised that this coworker tried to pull something like that and would “remind” her of the rules.

Monday, February 14, 2011

To my ex husband on Valentines Day

I was searching for a cute Facebook Status for today since it's Valentines Day, but I only found amazingly positive posts or horrific negative posts. I guess I am not feeling too creative today that I could come up with my own post. So I was scanning and scanning and came across this post and I could NOT help but posting because I laughed my ass off!

To my ex husband on Valentines Day;
Roses are red. Violets are blue. Thank God I'm no longer married to you.

And although I am not negative about Valentines Day or entirely happy as a bee about the day either, I just thought it was pretty funny!

Today I briefly thought about my past and when I was in a long relationship it wasn't as happy as I always thought it would be! There were a FEW good times in my marriage, but overall things were really dissapointing. The one Valentines Day that I remember was the year where I never said I didn't want a gift. He knew I loved flowers! They are one of my favorite things in the world. They are so beautiful, and smell amazing and I just love all the colors and different kinds. Well, I get home after he does and there were no flowers, no card, no big hug. Keep in mind, this was our first or second valentines day as a married couple, and if you know me at all, I am a hopeless romantic. I was extreamly dissapointed by the lack of everything that I went to bed early, by myself. The next morning I woke up to a dozen gas-station roses and a card. It was one of those cards that was apologetic but professed his love for me. It was a sweet card, but the entire marriage was something always stated after the fact and a little too late... "Oh I should go to marriage counseling too? You've been going for a year, but I can start going now."

Okay, well not that I wanted to ramble about the negative times in my marriage, but I guess I did. Overall there were some good times and bad, and well as you can see I am now divorced, the negatives far outweighed any of the positives!

I've dated some great and not so great men since 2003 and am so happy I've had all of them in my life! They all brought something special to my life and I always say that each person in your life is there for a reason. I've found that my ex husband brought to me, ease of mind when dealing with cars. He taught me about cars and how I can fix them myself. Not that I want to change a tire by myself, but I can probably do that without much help and it's all thanks to him.

I am sure there will be someone in my future that will fufill my hopes and dreams!

Body, Happy Valentine's Day!

Dear Body,

This Valentine’s Day, I wanted to apologize for a few things, and tell you how much I appreciate you—all of you. I know I don’t tell you enough. So, here it goes…

Legs. I often grab you and make fun of you, but then you continue to support me to get to where I need to go, to run, to twirl, to dance, to cuddle. I’m so thankful for you. I promise to be as kind to you as you have been to me. Thank you for forgiving me– You truly are beautiful, and quite helpful.

Butt. Sometimes I tell you I want you to be smaller, but the truth is, you make me feel sexy, no matter what the magazines say. It’s kinda’ hard to admit, but seriously–keep being you. Oh, and I’m so sorry for squeezing you into pants you clearly don’t want to be in. I really appreciate that you get it.

Stomach. I’m deeply sorry that I told you I wished you weren’t there, that I wished you were different than you are. That was a horrible thing to say to you. Sometimes it’s hard for me to remember who I am, and I end up putting the blame on you. It has nothing to do with you, I swear. You make me feel like a woman, and I’m learning to love that. It’s going to just take some time, so thank you from the bottom of my heart for your patience and understanding. Oh, and one day, you will be the very place my future children grow—I can’t tell you how much that means to me. OK, now I’m all emotional.

Boobs. I know I’ve been sending you mixed messaged. Sometimes I want you to be bigger, sometimes smaller, sometimes higher…I can’t imagine how confused you must feel. But no matter what I say, I really appreciate you- you really go with it and allow yourselves to be pushed up and down and all around, for my benefit. I can’t thank you enough. Oh, and I’m so sorry about that one bra poking you all the time.

Arms. I’m so sorry for calling you “mushy and fat”,that was so un-cool. Actually, it was downright bitchy. I can’t believe I would ever be that unkind to you—you allow me to hug, to write, to express myself when I talk–you are so important to me. I so appreciate you sticking with me, and I love you- truly, madly, deeply. Thank you for you.

Face. The fact that you allow me to poke and prod at you, wax you, pluck you, put you down, put makeup on you and leave mascara on you for what seems like days, then you turn around and allow me to express myself and let people know how I feel…It’s utterly amazing. And not to mention, I always thought my grandmother and mother were beautiful, and hearing from people that you look like them is truly a blessing. So thank you for that. Thanks for holding up, I promise to appreciate you forever, and to always smile in pictures to show off your teeth.

Hair. This really goes without saying, because we really do have a special relationship. We’ve been through bleaching, and darkening, straightening, and flat ironing together- you’ve been taken care of, only to be cut off multiple times. It’s hard to express to you how much I appreciate you for always hanging in there, growing back, and continuing to make me feel sexy. I’m so sorry about those one or two short hair cuts, I know you weren’t your best self. I promise to think through things really well before I ever do something like that again. Oh crap...

Feet and collar bone and ears and every part in between…you are the glue that keeps me together. Thank you for being you, for accenting my parts, for being part of me. I am forever grateful that you’re here.

Insides. Thank you for pushing your way to my outsides. I’m so happy the world can see you. I love you.

Body, Happy Valentine’s Day. I know I don’t tell you nearly often enough…I love you.

Adapted by Brook Miller, Boston, MA.

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Looking towards the future

As I start off another post this week to my blog I decide I need a lesson in Blog/Post naming. It was going to be “The Future” but come on, no A for originality here.

Anyway, today was a good day. I got off school at 11am and drove across town to the University of Washington in Seattle. I got there around 11:30 and decided to get a bite to eat at a local place. So naturally, I pick Jimmy John's subs, but only since it's familiar restaurant in this strange place. I picked a great seat next to the window and for the next 45 minutes, while nibbling on my sandwich, people watched. Everyone seemed more serious here. Not a bunch of smiles and chatter as that of any of the 4 4 community colleges I have gone to. People look serious here, like there are actually here for an education. BINGO! I found a real school environment! I fount it!

I walk around campus for a while and get lost and have to look at the map. Good thing I had a big bag so I could pretend I was looking in my bag. Yes, I care what people think, and don't want them to know I am not part of their group! But I hope to be by the end of the year. I finally find the right classroom and sit around for 30 minutes waiting for “Transfer Thursdays” to begin. They go over the normal transfer information I have read about, however it seemed like everyone in the class had not. Out of the 20 questions they asked the admissions advisor, I could have answered 15 of them. Oh well, shows I research before I attend a important even. I know it!

I now have an hour to kill before my Psychology drop-in advising, so I go to the Library. More specifically the Suzzallo Library. It's been there since 1926. There is a Reading room in this building that houses the most room I've ever seen. I would say it might be a good place to study, however I think I would stare at the windows and ceiling all day... I would say it's reminiscent of Great Hall from Harry Potter. I fill out my Psychology Transfer form to count all my credits. As I fill it out, it makes me feel like I have a relative small amount of accomplishment under my belt with all these classes. I have done it!

During the awesome advising session I learn everything I need to know about getting into the Psychology Major. The senior advisor seemed like the most knowledgeable college advisor I have EVER been to, and that is saying a lot since I have been to 4 community colleges and 1 university! However, after our discussion, it was confirmed that I need a minimum of 2 math classes before getting into UW. Plus 1 if I wanted to be prepared for the Psych major. So, we now have 3 maths, anthropology, philosophy, writing course, foreign language, a diversity course, and 1 credit of English. (1 class is usually 5 credits). I can do it!

Overall I felt very accomplished today and really look forward to my future education! I am so excited!!

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Roller coaster of a ride

I've been meaning to write a blog for a while now, but life has been so emotional with it's ups and downs lately, I didn't know what to write. It would have been: “I'm so happy! I miss my friends. I hate my family. I am depressed. I am now THRILLED! I would like to run my car into a tree. I can't wait for this and that. Now, I'm sad.” Yeah, ups and downs for sure.

It's now February and after much discussion I will most likely be applying to University of Washington to attend in Winter 2012. I am 1 math class short of being accepted so I decided to get it done along with my last language credit and then head to the University. That being said, I have time to increase my GPA even more! Maybe I should start volunteering so I can add that to my application. LOL- I must admit I have not been one to ever volunteer. I'm lazy. I just need to find one that I could really love like in an Animal Shelter.

Over the past few months I learned two of my favorite friends, Julie and Leslie are PREGNANT!! BOTH are due in May 2011 so this is really exciting. I found out that Leslie was pregnant on the weekend we were taking a trip to Stinson Beach. She walked into the kitchen where I was packing the cooler and said in a serious tone, “there is something we have to tell you, because you might wonder why I am not drinking.” I jumped up and down and was like “Your Pregnant!!!!” I was so excited! I've been secretly creating a very person gift for Julie so she HAS to keep me updated on her fun pregnancy stories and keep posting pictures. Yea! I can't wait. It only took me a few weeks to go out and buy both baby girls little outfits and cute little things that their moms will like!

I keep thinking that I was married 9 years ago and it could have been me. Not that I would have been ready to have kids by now, but I guess it's now the time! However, I do often think that if I would have stayed married I most likely would not have moved to Arizona, then I would have not followed my mom to Florida and would not have met Julie. Then I would have actually loved Florida and stayed there, but I didn't so I moved to California and met Leslie!! Now I have two wonderful friends and I am so happy to be sharing this special time with them in their lives.

My life now consists of school, homework, library, and a few days of the week I work at Kohl's. It's such brainless work that it's perfect. I can concentrate on my school work, and then go in a few hours a week and make some money. The strangest part is being able to support myself for over 10 years and then BAM, Nicole is now dependent on a parent again to be able to eat! It's pretty demotivating, but I try to keep reminding myself that this is all for the best. Sacrifices must be made for happiness down the road. “Nothing worth having in this life comes easy.”


Nicole just likes to do things backwards in her life, except for the kids part. I get married at 20, divorced by 23, move across the country not once, but twice. (One time its from the Northern most Western state to the Southern most Eastern state. How many people can say they have done that? NOW, it's time for me to meet the guy who loves me for me and wants to be in my life, because as I said during my divorce “I don't want to be in your life, if you don’t want me in yours.”

No joining dating sites, it's just time to get out there and be confident and meet that perfect guy. I will meet him when he walkes into my life.

Here is a toast to a fabulous new year!

Julie and Leslie

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Dedicated to two wonderful people...


I can't believe it's already been 3 years!! I remember, just like it was yesterday, when Julie called me and said "He is not home, but there are gorgeous flowers here and a dress hanging on the chair, and Jason is not home!" Later she found the note and called me back "Jason told me to meet him at a restaurant (you two would remember the name) and wear the dress. What is going on Nicole? I can't find the right shoes, what is this?"

Nicole responding "I think he is just being a really nice boyfriend and want's to do something special for you."
SECRETLY knowing that I was with you BOTH the weekend before when Jason picked out the PERFECT ring... And he was SO excited that he couldn't wait, even though it had a beautiful blue stone inside. (Diamond to be added later) Eh, it didn't matter, as long as Julie said yes and you could live together happily ever after....

I love you guys and wish you many more years of happiness.

Saturday, July 31, 2010

The real meaning of ironic...

I find it very ironic that being a tax payer during this down turned economy and having trouble with paying my bills, the government still bails out the credit card companies, and still leaves their tax payers under water.

The credit card companies, (Bank of America, Wells Fargo, Citibank, etc.), receive millions from the government because "they" are suffering by not making enough money to survive. Except their executives are still making 7+ figure salaries. So they pass on their woe's to the consumer. Raise interest rates to absurd amounts to perfectly good clients, meaning me, paying on time, spending money and giving them business. Perfect credit for 10 years, Perfect payment history. Yet, they are having trouble so they raise APR's to levels as high at 29.99%. Many calls later to managers and managers managers, no luck. Sorry, I know you have perfect credit and have never paid us late, but we can't lower your APR level. They also raise the minimum payment so it about doubles the amount due. So then as a consumer you owe twice as much per month without making any mistakes, and the bank gets billions of dollars because they are "struggling."

NOW after not making a payment they realize they can't do without my business. They want my money so bad that they want to lower my interest rate and lower my minimum payment because they are not getting their money. Ha- I tell ya, there is no way you are going to get me to pay you bastards. When I had excellent credit and was a great client and paid on time, you wouldn't lower my APR for shit...

BULL SHIT you lose my business forever.

Friday, July 16, 2010

3 years and counting

3 years of back pain. Some days you can barely move, some days it would feel better if someone stabbed you because that would be less painful. Thought about crashing a car to go to the hospital to get some medicine to make the pain go away.

X-rays in 2007 and 2010
Ultrasound
MRI
Spine Specialist in 2008
Physical Therapy

I am tired of living with pain. I am tired of having to leave work because I can't move my body. I am tired of canceling plans because I can't function because of the pain. I am tired of sitting in the fetal position for hours to make the pain 5% less. I hate not being able to sit through a movie for 2 hours because I have to switch which butt cheek I am sitting on because the pain is shotting up my back. I hate living every single day with the thought that something is wrong with my back at age 27 and it's never going to get better...

The doctor won't give me pain medicine because he things I will become addicted or something.

Now I have to go BACK to the Spine Specialist, even though my X-rays taken today look absolutely normal. What is the point of going to the Spine Specialist if my back is fine? I don't know. They keep going in circles on the diagnosis. They have absolutely no idea why I am in pain. Now I don't even know if they believe me in my conquest to find what is wrong with me. If in fact, it's not all in my head... Whatever....

I just want some solace in knowing what is wrong and how to fix it. Otherwise, I am going to go CRAZY.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Train Music Video 7/14/2010


Had a VERY exciting day this week on Wednesday July 14th...And no I did not get married... lol

I am a fan of Train, the band, on Facebook and received a post that they were looking for 50 extras to be in a Train music video, shooting in San Francisco on a Wednesday. I had 5 days of vacation so I though, what the heck! What an experience this could be. I requested the time off and invited my friend Mick, from the meetup group, to go with me.

We're looking for some awesome people to be a part of our newest video that shoots Wednesday. We'll be filming it in (yup, you guessed it) San Francisco!Here are the deets: Shoot Date/Location – Wednesday July 14th in San FranciscoNeeded – 50 Fans in full wedding attireWe look forward to hanging out with all of you on Wednesday!- Pat, Jimmy and Scott

So we drive to Treasure Island, and go to the Chapel as instructed. We check in and sign our wavers and write our name with a big sharpie on a piece of paper. They take a picture of us jail style with the paper in front of our faces. Interesting up to this point. We take a seat and wait for about an hour. There is little activity except for people showing up. There must have been about 50 women, and 4 men. Mick and I just people watch and sit around waiting for something to happen.

Jimmy and Scott come out and mingle with the crowd and take some pictures and sign some autographs. I just sit around at this point because I am pretty bored just waiting. So about 1pm the directors come in and out about a dozen times. Not sure what is going on at this point. Finally all of the directors and back stage people come out and start lighting the scene, but they don’t tell us much of what is going on. We sit and wait.

Now they finally seem ready. They thank us for coming and tell us about the day. We are at a wedding and we are in the audience. They rearrange us and put Mick and I in the front row. Now Nicole is freaking out because I don’t want to be in the front row! Yes I came to a music video, but I thought they were going to have us hang out and be in the crowd in the background. Nope…Crap. So they move me to the side of Mick cause I don’t think I am old enough to look like a mother. So now I become the daughter and they put some stranger next to Mick to play the mom. It works out well because I don’t want to be in that role, and Mick seems to get along with her really well.

They start filing the left side and they are actually, like directing!! One of the directors was standing at the front of the stage while the photography director was shooting their close ups. First he tells them to pretend like they are watching a wedding and are happy to be here and are enjoying the scene. Then all of a sudden we have to whip our heads around and pretend that someone was breaking into the church to interrupt the wedding. That took quite a few takes and maybe about 45 minutes of shooting. I don’t think I made it the film, but that is actually ok with me. I was only thinking that the back of my head would be filmed.

During this time they bring in the one paid actress they have hired. She is this like this 5’11” girl who has this pretty little face. You can tell she is a model or actress and she is sitting right behind us. She starts talking and tells our group the story of the music video because we are a little curious. So this is a wedding where Pat (lead singer) busts into the wedding because his ex-girlfriend is getting married. What we don’t know, is that his ex is getting married to a woman, so it’s a full on lesbian wedding. Haha- fun times.

After that they bring Pat Monahan and the room goes a little quiet because we are all looking in his direction. He goes up to the balcony upstairs and they start filming his role. He is running in and screaming “Elaine” at the entire church. (See this is when we would be turning around wondering who this crazy guy is interrupting this wedding.) The best part is when he is filming they make him do it in slow motion. So he runs up and you can see his arms rise up slowing and he screams in slow motion “E-L-A-I-N-E.” The entire crowd laughs because it’s a funny moment.

After this they start filming the wedding part. They bring in both the bride and the groom. Both woman. They are about to film the part where they kiss and the wedding is over. They are having Pat run into the wedding at the same moment they kiss and we all have to jump up and follow the bride and groom out of the church. So now that we are in the front row, you may see my ass in the video. Not exactly what I was thinking I was there for.

Then Pat says he is about to leave so we all get in line to chat with him, take pictures and get an autograph. We are pretty close to the front, so we get a picture right away. First I take a picture with him, then Mick jumps in and we get a group picture. Fun times. He seems pretty nice and starts to make small talk about the beautiful weather that day. And he was sure right! The view from Treasure Island of the City is just amazing. It’s a clear day and it’s a bit windy.

We sit around for a few more hours and towards the end of the day they ask us all to go outside like we are just arriving at the wedding, but first we walk out of the church pretending that the wedding just ended. We throw up white rose petals and walk off screen. Then we go out on the grass and mingle with people we don’t really know and we are asked to slowly file into the chapel like we are showing up to the wedding. Maybe I’ll be in that part, but again, it’s my butt. What the hell is this! =)

At this point it’s about the end of the day so we say goodbye and leave the chapel to go to the local bar and grill to miss the traffic going home. Decent food from a hole in a wall.

So I get a autograph from Pat, get to act in a music video, dress up on a day off of work, and watch some filming of a music video. What a day! Awesome experience. After our day is over I look it over a bit and discover that they charge about $175 for a meet and greet of the band, so we basically got that for free!












Saturday, June 26, 2010

Packing and memories...

So I am going through boxes...again. I am packing up books and stuff...again. House is a mess from boxes...again. This must mean I am moving...AGAIN. Yes this would have to be 27 or 28 times now...I digress...

I am writing because I was packing up a box, pulling out scrapbooks I should show my dad since he never saw me through my High School years. I then came across a little book titled "A Time Capsule Journal, My High School Graduation." Wow what a coincidence...my High School Graduation Song just came on the Radio. Green Day, Time of your life. How original. Anyway...I wanted to share some things about my High School years. Now many of my friends are from 1 to 20+ years older than me, so I am sure they could write some stuff about their High School years as well, but these are my facts and this is my story.


Facts:

Name of school: Mesquite High from 1998-2001
High school cheer: I didn't like cheerleaders
Crush: Wally Murray. (RIP)
Worst Class: Math or Chemistry. Sorry Mr. Wheeler and Ms. Drazinski.
What i wanted to be when I grew up: Teacher, Doctor, Vet, Astronomer.
First Kiss: Mike Vine in Freshman Year.
My best Friends: Jaki Lobdell, Robert Depetris, Katherine Greco, Beth Bessler, Katrina Lyons, Stacie Vanslyke. (What a interesting bunch)
Nickname: Nikki, Kieko...Ok well I have to restate my fact in this day, that I have never had a nick-name. Thank you Katherine Greco!
Most fun party thrown by me or my friends... Can I leave this out? Ok fine, Parties all Sophomore, and part of Junior year thrown by myself. "I got an Idea!!" Dedicated to Beth.
Summer Vacation: Went to New Jersey and got hit by Lightning. Well that is a fun summer vacation!!
Club or team I wish i were a part of: Ski club. (We had a ski club??)
My salary at my first job: $5.15 a hour... well I have moved up in the world. THANK GOD.
Most vivid memory of getting into trouble: I was a good little girl. (Snicker)
How I treated underclassmen: I really hated Freshman! I made fun of them. (No I didn't, at least I don't remember doing that.)
What we did after the Prom: We went bowling. (Of course we did)
Memory about Graduation/Theme of graduation speaker's speech: Mr. Christi told us we were all non believers in god and we were all going to hell. (Well that was the basis of the speech.)
College Information: Blank
Favorite TV Shows: Dawson's Creek, Ally McBeal and Friends.
Favorite Sports Team: 49ers
"Must-have" items: cell phones and pagers
Stamp cost: $.34
Going to the movies: $7.50
President: Bill Clinton
Who the president of the US will be: A woman, or a African American. (Nice guess Nicole.)

AND THE MOST IMPORTANT ONE:
How many years after High School I'll open this book: EVERYTIME I move and go through boxes...so true.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Master of our own happiness

Nicole has decided to be master of her own happiness ... Let go of the past, clean up the present, and embrace the future.

Do you ever wonder where you'd be if you had made ONE different choice in your life? It's amazing how every day we can drastically change the route of our lives.

Sometimes we have to make the wrong choices in order to get our lives on the right track.

If you limit your choices only to what seems possible or reasonable, you disconnect yourself from what you truly want, and all that is left is a compromise.

Life isn't hard...it's the choices we make that can be. The wrong one can change a life completely. The right one can change a life eternally!

The choices you make create the life that you end up with. Because life is a series of choices, ultimately, you define yourself.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

SICK AND TIRED!!!

I have been dealing with debilitating back pain for 2 and a half years now, and every month it just seems to get worse and worse and worse...

I have missed 2 sick days every month since January through Mid-May which is not like me at all! I am normally the one not using up any sick or vacation time. But when your body refuses to do anything but roll into a ball on the bed, it's pretty hard to go into work let alone make it to the kitchen to eat anything...

So I have been to the doctor about 10 times over the past 2 years, 1 spine specialist, and 1 Chiropractic Doctor. I have had X-Rays, Ultrasounds, CT scans, and an MRI...and they say I am perfectly healthy.
(Sure, that's right...because everyone has back pain so terrible that they stay in bed for 2 days straight too.)

The last Chiropractic Doctor said it was something to do with my L5 vertebrae, but I am thoroughly convinced he was trying to sell me his $4200 Spinal Decompression procedure... However after 1 free session, my back was sore, and moved into the worst back pain I have every experienced. I called into sick for 2 days, with my upper left arm basically attached to my side because I couldn't move it. (of course this mistake almost cost me my job.) SO sorry my brain could only function enough to handle the phone let think about emails, or phone calls, or clients.

However at this point, the doctors are not aware that the pain has caused me to miss so much work I could lose my job. I am so fed up with dealing with pain EVERY DAY of my life for the past 2 and a half years. I try not to burden anyone with my pain, because it's not their fault and I don't want to draw attention to myself, but I constantly feel it every day, every second. I am great at hiding my feelings.I am not sure if this is a good or bad thing.

At this time I DESPERATELY need help because I can barely function at work, I still enjoy events with friends, but have to medicate myself to even start to enjoy myself. If you see me more quiet than usual, it means I need more pain medication...I am terribly depressed because I have not lived a normal life for over 2 years. I try to exercise because they say it helps, but I have no energy to run the track. I can walk around a few times, but then I have to come home and rest for an hour. I feel like I am 80 in a 27 year old body.

Please God, will you look upon my body and bless it with healing and positive energy so I can live a life worth living. I need this for myself and for my family, as well as for my sanity! I can't go on much more with this pain.

Friday, April 16, 2010

Did I do the right thing?

I almost feel embarassed by publishing such personal stuff for the world to see. Is this the right thing to do or should I keep it to myself? Will people really read this? Will they think less of me for publishing such personal stuff, or will they have greater respect for me because I am baring my soul?

Who knows, but always remember:
“I laugh, I love, I hope, I try, I hurt, I need, I fear, I cry. And I know you do the same things too, So we're really not that different, me and you.” - Colin Raye

"Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of other's opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.” -Steve Jobs

Thursday, April 15, 2010

It's a new dawn, it's a new day...

First blog. How exciting. Hopefully there is spell check cause I type slower than I think. The words can't hit the paper fast enough.

First, I am starting a blog because I want to track some things in my life and for people to get to know the real "Nicole." It's exciting. Changes are coming. At this point in my life I am in the midst of deciding who is important in my life, who should stay and who should go. It is sometimes a difficult decision, but sometimes an easy one. Some quick and some slowly letting go. I try to be patient, which, I think, is one of my worst qualities. But at times lately I feel like I am not quick enough to decide things in my life. I pose questions and get multiple answers before moving on. Sometimes I think a clean break is needed.

A wonderful thing happened to me in the past few months and weeks. My half-sister Michelle reached out to me by e-mail and we have met for the first time in 14 years! Now it took me a few days or even possibly a few weeks to write her back. I was not sure if I should answer, how I should answer, and what in the world would I say? I think I kept it simple and we exchanged a few emails and decided that we should meet someday. Well that day has come and passed. First I was invited to an A's game because her boyfriend is a starting Pitcher for the A's and he was the pitcher that night. I was excited and nervous. Tried on dozens of outfits, made sure my hair and makeup was just right. I did all this because Michelle said that she and her sister Kimberly always looked up to me when they were 6 and 7 and remember having me in their lives. I was not shocked by this information, but it was comforting to know that they remembered me, and it was interesting to see that they looked up to ME?!?! I never thought I would be a role-model for anyone or have an impact on anyone's life. Well I did much to my dismay.

Well the first meeting went well and was mostly casual. I was not nervous once I saw her and we hugged. It was a first meeting of friends, sharing a little bit about ourselves and what life is like now. Nothing huge, and nothing mind blowing. Just simple girl-talk.

Our second meeting was to a Giants game on April 13th, 2010. Now this date I will always remember for some reason. It was more casual and I was interested in talking more and getting to know her. We caught up on some family history and what has happened for the last 14 years. Then we started talking about "our"' dad. She mentions that they have all talked together about me and the relationship they have had with me. Dad feels a little upset at how things have turned out and would love to have a relationship with his "first" daughter, me. He also feels a little hurt and confused about the past.

Well at this point, I just want to cry. I honestly never thought of my dad as a human and having feelings. I always thought of him as the "father" that was never there and who deserted me for what purpose. It is hard to put into words on paper how I felt. Some relief to know that he is in fact a human, and has feelings towards me. Again, it is hard to express on paper (or computer) my exact feelings.

So now where do we go from here? What paths lay in front of me? I belive that I can have a relationship with my "sisters" and in the future with my father. The other half that created me. What an amazing thought!

I plan on meeting my father one day in the future, whether that is weeks or months from now, but feel that I am going to get my chance to let myself out of this cage I have been locked in for 27 years. I don't know if I need to have him in my life as a father figure, but I need to work on forgiving him for what he has done and how he has affected me with every breath I take. I need to get off my chest how I feel and what I think of him, and relieve this pressure that has been drowning my heart for 27 years. I don't know if this will end up as me expressing my feelings by anger or sadness or fear. I imaging that it would be easy to yell and get it out in the open and say everything I have been wanting to say since I was a child. How much I have been hurting by his decision to leave. How much pain he has caused in my own love life and my view toward men. I would love to explain that I don't know if I can forgive him but I hope to in the future. It may take years, but it will get there some day.

We can only live one day at a time and I believe this is the start of a new life for me. I can move on with the opportunity to work personal issues that have been dragging me down for years. I have sisters that want to be involved in my life. I have a father, that wants to be involved in my life. I only see endless possibilities for my life in the future...