The Pocket Therapist

A few wonderful things I learned from an awesome little book!
The Pocket Therapist by Therese J. Borchard

Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the quite voice at the end of the day saying, ‘I will try again tomorrow.’ – Mary Anne Radmacher

One definition of insanity, and I’d throw in suffering, is doing the same thing over and over again, each time expecting different results. It’s so easy to see this pattern in others, but I can be so blind with my own attempts at disguising self-destructive behavior in a web of lies and rationalizations. That’s why, when I’m in enough pain, I write everything down- So I can read for myself exactly how I felt after I had coffee with the person who was more interested in my choice of coffee drink than in my health, or after a phone call with a relative who enjoys pressing my bitchy buttons. The case for breaking a certain addiction, or stopping a behavior contributing to depression, is much strong once you can read the evidence provided from the past.

Don’t take anything personally. If you can pull this off, you spare yourself a lot of suffering, not to mention free up oodles of brain capacity. So when I think that a friend is upset with me by the way she is acting-not returning my phone calls or is blowing me off,- but she hasn’t said anything to me, I don’t need to worry about it. Not until she spills her can of whoop-ass all over me do I have to worry my neurotic little head about what’s going on in her limbic system. And guess what? Even then, I still don’t’ have to claim it. That’s entirely up to me! “Even when a situation seems so personal, even if other insult you directly, it has nothing to do with you. What they say, what they do, and the opinions they give are according to the agreements in their own minds.”

Befriend yourself. Have you ever wondered how long one of your friends would stick with you if you talked to her the way you shout at yourself? My therapist calls me on this dichotomy practically every session. “What would you say to a friend in your shoes?” She’ll ask me. “I’d tell her to be gentle with herself, to eat a pint of Ben & Jerry’s, and spend three hours watching Oprah if it made her feel better.” Of course I need not go that far. Most of the time, all I have to do is put away the whip and make myself a friendship bracelet instead.

Bawl your eyes out. Tears remove toxins from our body. Emotional tears contain more toxic byproducts that tears of irritation, like when you peel an onion, indicating that weeping is surely nature’s way of cleansing the heart and mind. Second, tears elevate mood. It lowers a person’s manganese level which can cause anxiety, nervousness, irritability, fatigue, and aggression. Finally, crying is cathartic. It’s as if your boyd has been accumulating hurts and resentments and fears, until your limbic system runs out of room and then, like a volcano, the toxic gunk spews forth everywhere… That’s good, because the cardiovascular and nervous systems run more smoothly after some emotional perspiration.

Nat Geo Explorer Struck By Lightning

I learned some new things during this show! It was amazing. I have never stared at the tv for so long without blinking. haha.

A lot of the “survivors” had weird memory problems due to the brains reaction to the really strong electricity. They did fMRI’s on survivor’s brains and showed them a video of blinking dots one after another and then after the last dot disappears the person has to remember where it was on the screen. They found that more brain areas react but it’s at lower levels. The frontal lobe has little reaction when the person is thinking of where the dot was. So in essence they have to think harder because their brain is just not reacting normally. Which I have to tell you, I find this to be true. I often have to close my eyes and forget about outside stimuli in order to remember where I put something. Even at work I find myself forgetting silly things and have to strain to remember where an item is.

Most lightning survivors also have strange physical pains in different parts of the body that can't be pin-pointed to any specific thing. (Remember you of my back pain?) Doctors say it's mostly related to the nervous system damage that the lightning causes as it electrifies the body. It damages the nerves and when they are damaged they lose their sense of when to let the body know there is pain present.

I found some doctors in Chicago that are specialists in the human body after it’s been struck by lightning, so I’m researching them because it would be great to know more. I just wish folks, especially the university admissions office, would know about my struggle and it’s hard to express to people, or even admit, that I’m just not what I used to be! In all honesty, I downplay lightning, but I do think it’s a cause of some of the negative issues in my life. A lot of the times people just wish they would have died so they didn’t have to deal with the lifelong effects of being a lightning survivor.

P.S. I know people don’t think much about lighting, and think it’s pretty, which I agree, but it’s not taken seriously and I think people need to really take care of themselves and get inside with any inclination of a storm approaching. Just like the bomb-squad t-shirt says “if you see me running, you better run too,” the same goes for me and lightning. If you see me go indoors before a storm, you should too!

3 years and counting

3 years of back pain. Some days you can barely move, some days it would feel better if someone stabbed you because that would be less painful. Thought about crashing a car to go to the hospital to get some medicine to make the pain go away.

X-rays in 2007 and 2010
Ultrasound
MRI
Spine Specialist in 2008
Physical Therapy

I am tired of living with pain. I am tired of having to leave work because I can't move my body. I am tired of canceling plans because I can't function because of the pain. I am tired of sitting in the fetal position for hours to make the pain 5% less. I hate not being able to sit through a movie for 2 hours because I have to switch which butt cheek I am sitting on because the pain is shotting up my back. I hate living every single day with the thought that something is wrong with my back at age 27 and it's never going to get better...

The doctor won't give me pain medicine because he things I will become addicted or something.

Now I have to go BACK to the Spine Specialist, even though my X-rays taken today look absolutely normal. What is the point of going to the Spine Specialist if my back is fine? I don't know. They keep going in circles on the diagnosis. They have absolutely no idea why I am in pain. Now I don't even know if they believe me in my conquest to find what is wrong with me. If in fact, it's not all in my head... Whatever....

I just want some solace in knowing what is wrong and how to fix it. Otherwise, I am going to go CRAZY.