First blog. How exciting. Hopefully there is spell check cause I type slower than I think. The words can't hit the paper fast enough.
First, I am starting a blog because I want to track some things in my life and for people to get to know the real "Nicole." It's exciting. Changes are coming. At this point in my life I am in the midst of deciding who is important in my life, who should stay and who should go. It is sometimes a difficult decision, but sometimes an easy one. Some quick and some slowly letting go. I try to be patient, which, I think, is one of my worst qualities. But at times lately I feel like I am not quick enough to decide things in my life. I pose questions and get multiple answers before moving on. Sometimes I think a clean break is needed.
A wonderful thing happened to me in the past few months and weeks. My half-sister Michelle reached out to me by e-mail and we have met for the first time in 14 years! Now it took me a few days or even possibly a few weeks to write her back. I was not sure if I should answer, how I should answer, and what in the world would I say? I think I kept it simple and we exchanged a few emails and decided that we should meet someday. Well that day has come and passed. First I was invited to an A's game because her boyfriend is a starting Pitcher for the A's and he was the pitcher that night. I was excited and nervous. Tried on dozens of outfits, made sure my hair and makeup was just right. I did all this because Michelle said that she and her sister Kimberly always looked up to me when they were 6 and 7 and remember having me in their lives. I was not shocked by this information, but it was comforting to know that they remembered me, and it was interesting to see that they looked up to ME?!?! I never thought I would be a role-model for anyone or have an impact on anyone's life. Well I did much to my dismay.
Well the first meeting went well and was mostly casual. I was not nervous once I saw her and we hugged. It was a first meeting of friends, sharing a little bit about ourselves and what life is like now. Nothing huge, and nothing mind blowing. Just simple girl-talk.
Our second meeting was to a Giants game on April 13th, 2010. Now this date I will always remember for some reason. It was more casual and I was interested in talking more and getting to know her. We caught up on some family history and what has happened for the last 14 years. Then we started talking about "our"' dad. She mentions that they have all talked together about me and the relationship they have had with me. Dad feels a little upset at how things have turned out and would love to have a relationship with his "first" daughter, me. He also feels a little hurt and confused about the past.
Well at this point, I just want to cry. I honestly never thought of my dad as a human and having feelings. I always thought of him as the "father" that was never there and who deserted me for what purpose. It is hard to put into words on paper how I felt. Some relief to know that he is in fact a human, and has feelings towards me. Again, it is hard to express on paper (or computer) my exact feelings.
So now where do we go from here? What paths lay in front of me? I belive that I can have a relationship with my "sisters" and in the future with my father. The other half that created me. What an amazing thought!
I plan on meeting my father one day in the future, whether that is weeks or months from now, but feel that I am going to get my chance to let myself out of this cage I have been locked in for 27 years. I don't know if I need to have him in my life as a father figure, but I need to work on forgiving him for what he has done and how he has affected me with every breath I take. I need to get off my chest how I feel and what I think of him, and relieve this pressure that has been drowning my heart for 27 years. I don't know if this will end up as me expressing my feelings by anger or sadness or fear. I imaging that it would be easy to yell and get it out in the open and say everything I have been wanting to say since I was a child. How much I have been hurting by his decision to leave. How much pain he has caused in my own love life and my view toward men. I would love to explain that I don't know if I can forgive him but I hope to in the future. It may take years, but it will get there some day.
We can only live one day at a time and I believe this is the start of a new life for me. I can move on with the opportunity to work personal issues that have been dragging me down for years. I have sisters that want to be involved in my life. I have a father, that wants to be involved in my life. I only see endless possibilities for my life in the future...
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