I’ve been feeling pretty discouraged lately. I keep questioning my intentions and motivations and evaluating all my past mistakes. I know I should look towards the future and learn from my mistakes, but it just all feels hard right now. I keep wondering if it’s the weather getting to me, or the missing sun part, but it’s just been depressing up here. I wonder why I keep moving from place to place and lose friends only to gain new ones eventually. I miss all my old friends. Like Julie said one day, I have good friends, I don’t want new ones. That is how I feel, but I force myself to get out there and try to enjoy my free time, if I ever get some!
I feel completely discouraged about my path in life right now, but trying to keep telling myself it will end great! BUT, what if I don’t get into that college? What if I don’t make good friends to support my life up here? What if the sun doesn’t come back? Ha-Kidding about that last one.
My biggest fear right now is whether or not I can get into the University of Washington. Do I have the right grades, or will my lack of extracurricular activities keep me in the deny pile, will my personal letter be good enough. The best thing to come out of this is to have a father figure in my life again. He keeps remind me that my experience with life experience, happiness, sorrows and life experience that they should be begging me to attend. I don’t know if he is just trying to instill confidence in me or convince me that I am good enough. But I guess I am second guessing myself and don’t give myself enough credit. Well, that is a no brainer.
There are other personal things going on in life, but I don’t feel comfortable writing about them on my blog as they are too personal.
I just feel like I am not connected with any friends anymore and I often wonder, “If I stopped texting, or calling, would they even contact me?”
You are under estimatmating yourself. Things will all fall into place. You know that saying "good things comes to those who wait". Things are gonna work out for you. Your smart , beautiful and kind. Oh yeah and an Awsome employee. Hang in there. I miss you and love you. I started reading your blog from the start not finished yet but will get caught up. I'm always here anytime day or night if you need to talk. Do you have my number?
ReplyDeleteNite nite. Love
I'm sorry your so down. I hope things get better. I have full confidence that you will get into UW and am supporting you from FL. I also think that you will make good friends again since you are awesome and people naturally want to be friends with you once they get to know you. I've had some of my best friends now be the ones constantly initiating contact until I realized how awesome they were and what good friends they could be. Sometimes I've had to be that person too and have kept awesome friends in my life. Moving and making new friends sucks, especially since you've had to do it so much. Just keep the good friends you have close and the rest will come.
ReplyDeleteAll that being said, the weather might have something to do with the severity of your feelings. Have you thought about getting a full spectrum light and bathing in it? That was my plan if I moved somewhere where it was grey all the time. I get yucky and listless after just a week of no sun here.
Here is the type of bulb to buy - less than $15
https://www.solux.net/cgi-bin/tlistore/soluxparbulbs.html
Here is the faq on the company including SAD and how full-spectrum can help:
http://www.solux.net/cgi-bin/tlistore/infopages/faq.html
If it helps, I've been seeing VW Bugs everywhere and keep thinking of you and sending you love. Maybe somehow I knew you were down and needed it. Was your car yellow or green? I think yellow, but the green looks familiar too.
Love and Hugs to my fellow redhead in crime,
Lexi
PS speaking of crime just made me think of the awesome CSI "haunted cube" we did at CCTC so long ago. That was so fun. Tell you the truth, CCTC wasn't as good without you.