Doubt

I’ve been feeling pretty discouraged lately. I keep questioning my intentions and motivations and evaluating all my past mistakes. I know I should look towards the future and learn from my mistakes, but it just all feels hard right now. I keep wondering if it’s the weather getting to me, or the missing sun part, but it’s just been depressing up here. I wonder why I keep moving from place to place and lose friends only to gain new ones eventually. I miss all my old friends. Like Julie said one day, I have good friends, I don’t want new ones. That is how I feel, but I force myself to get out there and try to enjoy my free time, if I ever get some!

I feel completely discouraged about my path in life right now, but trying to keep telling myself it will end great! BUT, what if I don’t get into that college? What if I don’t make good friends to support my life up here? What if the sun doesn’t come back? Ha-Kidding about that last one.

My biggest fear right now is whether or not I can get into the University of Washington. Do I have the right grades, or will my lack of extracurricular activities keep me in the deny pile, will my personal letter be good enough. The best thing to come out of this is to have a father figure in my life again. He keeps remind me that my experience with life experience, happiness, sorrows and life experience that they should be begging me to attend. I don’t know if he is just trying to instill confidence in me or convince me that I am good enough. But I guess I am second guessing myself and don’t give myself enough credit. Well, that is a no brainer.

There are other personal things going on in life, but I don’t feel comfortable writing about them on my blog as they are too personal.

I just feel like I am not connected with any friends anymore and I often wonder, “If I stopped texting, or calling, would they even contact me?”

To my ex husband on Valentines Day

I was searching for a cute Facebook Status for today since it's Valentines Day, but I only found amazingly positive posts or horrific negative posts. I guess I am not feeling too creative today that I could come up with my own post. So I was scanning and scanning and came across this post and I could NOT help but posting because I laughed my ass off!

To my ex husband on Valentines Day;
Roses are red. Violets are blue. Thank God I'm no longer married to you.

And although I am not negative about Valentines Day or entirely happy as a bee about the day either, I just thought it was pretty funny!

Today I briefly thought about my past and when I was in a long relationship it wasn't as happy as I always thought it would be! There were a FEW good times in my marriage, but overall things were really dissapointing. The one Valentines Day that I remember was the year where I never said I didn't want a gift. He knew I loved flowers! They are one of my favorite things in the world. They are so beautiful, and smell amazing and I just love all the colors and different kinds. Well, I get home after he does and there were no flowers, no card, no big hug. Keep in mind, this was our first or second valentines day as a married couple, and if you know me at all, I am a hopeless romantic. I was extreamly dissapointed by the lack of everything that I went to bed early, by myself. The next morning I woke up to a dozen gas-station roses and a card. It was one of those cards that was apologetic but professed his love for me. It was a sweet card, but the entire marriage was something always stated after the fact and a little too late... "Oh I should go to marriage counseling too? You've been going for a year, but I can start going now."

Okay, well not that I wanted to ramble about the negative times in my marriage, but I guess I did. Overall there were some good times and bad, and well as you can see I am now divorced, the negatives far outweighed any of the positives!

I've dated some great and not so great men since 2003 and am so happy I've had all of them in my life! They all brought something special to my life and I always say that each person in your life is there for a reason. I've found that my ex husband brought to me, ease of mind when dealing with cars. He taught me about cars and how I can fix them myself. Not that I want to change a tire by myself, but I can probably do that without much help and it's all thanks to him.

I am sure there will be someone in my future that will fufill my hopes and dreams!

Did I do the right thing?

I almost feel embarassed by publishing such personal stuff for the world to see. Is this the right thing to do or should I keep it to myself? Will people really read this? Will they think less of me for publishing such personal stuff, or will they have greater respect for me because I am baring my soul?

Who knows, but always remember:
“I laugh, I love, I hope, I try, I hurt, I need, I fear, I cry. And I know you do the same things too, So we're really not that different, me and you.” - Colin Raye

"Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of other's opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.” -Steve Jobs