The future is waiting

I submitted my personal statement and application to both University of Washington and Western Washington University. After a few weeks of debate I realized that WWU would be the better choice for me. I knew I would fit in there better with a few thousand students versus 41,000! Psychology is at my core, yet either school would help me earn a great education. Also at the heart was that I would be able to move out and live independently with other College students, and that is looking perfect right now.

After about a week I started checking the mail every day for a letter or package. Nothing… day after day. I knew it had only been about 2 weeks since I submitted my paperwork to WWU and 1 month and 2 weeks since I submitted to UW, but I had to know. It was driving me mad! One day I received it. It was a big envelope so I knew it had to be good…or was it? YES! I got accepted to Western Washington University! I ran down the steep driveway and held out the letter in front of my mom’s face and she gave me a big hug. Yeah!!! A new path is life has been opened to me. I can’t wait to get started.

Doubt

I’ve been feeling pretty discouraged lately. I keep questioning my intentions and motivations and evaluating all my past mistakes. I know I should look towards the future and learn from my mistakes, but it just all feels hard right now. I keep wondering if it’s the weather getting to me, or the missing sun part, but it’s just been depressing up here. I wonder why I keep moving from place to place and lose friends only to gain new ones eventually. I miss all my old friends. Like Julie said one day, I have good friends, I don’t want new ones. That is how I feel, but I force myself to get out there and try to enjoy my free time, if I ever get some!

I feel completely discouraged about my path in life right now, but trying to keep telling myself it will end great! BUT, what if I don’t get into that college? What if I don’t make good friends to support my life up here? What if the sun doesn’t come back? Ha-Kidding about that last one.

My biggest fear right now is whether or not I can get into the University of Washington. Do I have the right grades, or will my lack of extracurricular activities keep me in the deny pile, will my personal letter be good enough. The best thing to come out of this is to have a father figure in my life again. He keeps remind me that my experience with life experience, happiness, sorrows and life experience that they should be begging me to attend. I don’t know if he is just trying to instill confidence in me or convince me that I am good enough. But I guess I am second guessing myself and don’t give myself enough credit. Well, that is a no brainer.

There are other personal things going on in life, but I don’t feel comfortable writing about them on my blog as they are too personal.

I just feel like I am not connected with any friends anymore and I often wonder, “If I stopped texting, or calling, would they even contact me?”

To my ex husband on Valentines Day

I was searching for a cute Facebook Status for today since it's Valentines Day, but I only found amazingly positive posts or horrific negative posts. I guess I am not feeling too creative today that I could come up with my own post. So I was scanning and scanning and came across this post and I could NOT help but posting because I laughed my ass off!

To my ex husband on Valentines Day;
Roses are red. Violets are blue. Thank God I'm no longer married to you.

And although I am not negative about Valentines Day or entirely happy as a bee about the day either, I just thought it was pretty funny!

Today I briefly thought about my past and when I was in a long relationship it wasn't as happy as I always thought it would be! There were a FEW good times in my marriage, but overall things were really dissapointing. The one Valentines Day that I remember was the year where I never said I didn't want a gift. He knew I loved flowers! They are one of my favorite things in the world. They are so beautiful, and smell amazing and I just love all the colors and different kinds. Well, I get home after he does and there were no flowers, no card, no big hug. Keep in mind, this was our first or second valentines day as a married couple, and if you know me at all, I am a hopeless romantic. I was extreamly dissapointed by the lack of everything that I went to bed early, by myself. The next morning I woke up to a dozen gas-station roses and a card. It was one of those cards that was apologetic but professed his love for me. It was a sweet card, but the entire marriage was something always stated after the fact and a little too late... "Oh I should go to marriage counseling too? You've been going for a year, but I can start going now."

Okay, well not that I wanted to ramble about the negative times in my marriage, but I guess I did. Overall there were some good times and bad, and well as you can see I am now divorced, the negatives far outweighed any of the positives!

I've dated some great and not so great men since 2003 and am so happy I've had all of them in my life! They all brought something special to my life and I always say that each person in your life is there for a reason. I've found that my ex husband brought to me, ease of mind when dealing with cars. He taught me about cars and how I can fix them myself. Not that I want to change a tire by myself, but I can probably do that without much help and it's all thanks to him.

I am sure there will be someone in my future that will fufill my hopes and dreams!

Roller coaster of a ride

I've been meaning to write a blog for a while now, but life has been so emotional with it's ups and downs lately, I didn't know what to write. It would have been: “I'm so happy! I miss my friends. I hate my family. I am depressed. I am now THRILLED! I would like to run my car into a tree. I can't wait for this and that. Now, I'm sad.” Yeah, ups and downs for sure.

It's now February and after much discussion I will most likely be applying to University of Washington to attend in Winter 2012. I am 1 math class short of being accepted so I decided to get it done along with my last language credit and then head to the University. That being said, I have time to increase my GPA even more! Maybe I should start volunteering so I can add that to my application. LOL- I must admit I have not been one to ever volunteer. I'm lazy. I just need to find one that I could really love like in an Animal Shelter.

Over the past few months I learned two of my favorite friends, Julie and Leslie are PREGNANT!! BOTH are due in May 2011 so this is really exciting. I found out that Leslie was pregnant on the weekend we were taking a trip to Stinson Beach. She walked into the kitchen where I was packing the cooler and said in a serious tone, “there is something we have to tell you, because you might wonder why I am not drinking.” I jumped up and down and was like “Your Pregnant!!!!” I was so excited! I've been secretly creating a very person gift for Julie so she HAS to keep me updated on her fun pregnancy stories and keep posting pictures. Yea! I can't wait. It only took me a few weeks to go out and buy both baby girls little outfits and cute little things that their moms will like!

I keep thinking that I was married 9 years ago and it could have been me. Not that I would have been ready to have kids by now, but I guess it's now the time! However, I do often think that if I would have stayed married I most likely would not have moved to Arizona, then I would have not followed my mom to Florida and would not have met Julie. Then I would have actually loved Florida and stayed there, but I didn't so I moved to California and met Leslie!! Now I have two wonderful friends and I am so happy to be sharing this special time with them in their lives.

My life now consists of school, homework, library, and a few days of the week I work at Kohl's. It's such brainless work that it's perfect. I can concentrate on my school work, and then go in a few hours a week and make some money. The strangest part is being able to support myself for over 10 years and then BAM, Nicole is now dependent on a parent again to be able to eat! It's pretty demotivating, but I try to keep reminding myself that this is all for the best. Sacrifices must be made for happiness down the road. “Nothing worth having in this life comes easy.”

Nicole just likes to do things backwards in her life, except for the kids part. I get married at 20, divorced by 23, move across the country not once, but twice. (One time its from the Northern most Western state to the Southern most Eastern state. How many people can say they have done that? NOW, it's time for me to meet the guy who loves me for me and wants to be in my life, because as I said during my divorce “I don't want to be in your life, if you don’t want me in yours.”

No joining dating sites, it's just time to get out there and be confident and meet that perfect guy. I will meet him when he walkes into my life.

Here is a toast to a fabulous new year!

Julie and Leslie

Master of our own happiness

Nicole has decided to be master of her own happiness ... Let go of the past, clean up the present, and embrace the future.

Do you ever wonder where you'd be if you had made ONE different choice in your life? It's amazing how every day we can drastically change the route of our lives.

Sometimes we have to make the wrong choices in order to get our lives on the right track.

If you limit your choices only to what seems possible or reasonable, you disconnect yourself from what you truly want, and all that is left is a compromise.

Life isn't hard...it's the choices we make that can be. The wrong one can change a life completely. The right one can change a life eternally!

The choices you make create the life that you end up with. Because life is a series of choices, ultimately, you define yourself.