A few wonderful things I learned from an awesome little book!
The Pocket Therapist by Therese J. Borchard
Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the quite voice at the end of the day saying, ‘I will try again tomorrow.’ – Mary Anne Radmacher
One definition of insanity, and I’d throw in suffering, is doing the same thing over and over again, each time expecting different results. It’s so easy to see this pattern in others, but I can be so blind with my own attempts at disguising self-destructive behavior in a web of lies and rationalizations. That’s why, when I’m in enough pain, I write everything down- So I can read for myself exactly how I felt after I had coffee with the person who was more interested in my choice of coffee drink than in my health, or after a phone call with a relative who enjoys pressing my bitchy buttons. The case for breaking a certain addiction, or stopping a behavior contributing to depression, is much strong once you can read the evidence provided from the past.
Don’t take anything personally. If you can pull this off, you spare yourself a lot of suffering, not to mention free up oodles of brain capacity. So when I think that a friend is upset with me by the way she is acting-not returning my phone calls or is blowing me off,- but she hasn’t said anything to me, I don’t need to worry about it. Not until she spills her can of whoop-ass all over me do I have to worry my neurotic little head about what’s going on in her limbic system. And guess what? Even then, I still don’t’ have to claim it. That’s entirely up to me! “Even when a situation seems so personal, even if other insult you directly, it has nothing to do with you. What they say, what they do, and the opinions they give are according to the agreements in their own minds.”
Befriend yourself. Have you ever wondered how long one of your friends would stick with you if you talked to her the way you shout at yourself? My therapist calls me on this dichotomy practically every session. “What would you say to a friend in your shoes?” She’ll ask me. “I’d tell her to be gentle with herself, to eat a pint of Ben & Jerry’s, and spend three hours watching Oprah if it made her feel better.” Of course I need not go that far. Most of the time, all I have to do is put away the whip and make myself a friendship bracelet instead.
Bawl your eyes out. Tears remove toxins from our body. Emotional tears contain more toxic byproducts that tears of irritation, like when you peel an onion, indicating that weeping is surely nature’s way of cleansing the heart and mind. Second, tears elevate mood. It lowers a person’s manganese level which can cause anxiety, nervousness, irritability, fatigue, and aggression. Finally, crying is cathartic. It’s as if your boyd has been accumulating hurts and resentments and fears, until your limbic system runs out of room and then, like a volcano, the toxic gunk spews forth everywhere… That’s good, because the cardiovascular and nervous systems run more smoothly after some emotional perspiration.
Showing posts with label feelings. Show all posts
Showing posts with label feelings. Show all posts
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Doubt
I’ve been feeling pretty discouraged lately. I keep questioning my intentions and motivations and evaluating all my past mistakes. I know I should look towards the future and learn from my mistakes, but it just all feels hard right now. I keep wondering if it’s the weather getting to me, or the missing sun part, but it’s just been depressing up here. I wonder why I keep moving from place to place and lose friends only to gain new ones eventually. I miss all my old friends. Like Julie said one day, I have good friends, I don’t want new ones. That is how I feel, but I force myself to get out there and try to enjoy my free time, if I ever get some!
I feel completely discouraged about my path in life right now, but trying to keep telling myself it will end great! BUT, what if I don’t get into that college? What if I don’t make good friends to support my life up here? What if the sun doesn’t come back? Ha-Kidding about that last one.
My biggest fear right now is whether or not I can get into the University of Washington. Do I have the right grades, or will my lack of extracurricular activities keep me in the deny pile, will my personal letter be good enough. The best thing to come out of this is to have a father figure in my life again. He keeps remind me that my experience with life experience, happiness, sorrows and life experience that they should be begging me to attend. I don’t know if he is just trying to instill confidence in me or convince me that I am good enough. But I guess I am second guessing myself and don’t give myself enough credit. Well, that is a no brainer.
There are other personal things going on in life, but I don’t feel comfortable writing about them on my blog as they are too personal.
I just feel like I am not connected with any friends anymore and I often wonder, “If I stopped texting, or calling, would they even contact me?”
I feel completely discouraged about my path in life right now, but trying to keep telling myself it will end great! BUT, what if I don’t get into that college? What if I don’t make good friends to support my life up here? What if the sun doesn’t come back? Ha-Kidding about that last one.
My biggest fear right now is whether or not I can get into the University of Washington. Do I have the right grades, or will my lack of extracurricular activities keep me in the deny pile, will my personal letter be good enough. The best thing to come out of this is to have a father figure in my life again. He keeps remind me that my experience with life experience, happiness, sorrows and life experience that they should be begging me to attend. I don’t know if he is just trying to instill confidence in me or convince me that I am good enough. But I guess I am second guessing myself and don’t give myself enough credit. Well, that is a no brainer.
There are other personal things going on in life, but I don’t feel comfortable writing about them on my blog as they are too personal.
I just feel like I am not connected with any friends anymore and I often wonder, “If I stopped texting, or calling, would they even contact me?”
Monday, February 14, 2011
To my ex husband on Valentines Day
I was searching for a cute Facebook Status for today since it's Valentines Day, but I only found amazingly positive posts or horrific negative posts. I guess I am not feeling too creative today that I could come up with my own post. So I was scanning and scanning and came across this post and I could NOT help but posting because I laughed my ass off!
To my ex husband on Valentines Day;
Roses are red. Violets are blue. Thank God I'm no longer married to you.
And although I am not negative about Valentines Day or entirely happy as a bee about the day either, I just thought it was pretty funny!
Today I briefly thought about my past and when I was in a long relationship it wasn't as happy as I always thought it would be! There were a FEW good times in my marriage, but overall things were really dissapointing. The one Valentines Day that I remember was the year where I never said I didn't want a gift. He knew I loved flowers! They are one of my favorite things in the world. They are so beautiful, and smell amazing and I just love all the colors and different kinds. Well, I get home after he does and there were no flowers, no card, no big hug. Keep in mind, this was our first or second valentines day as a married couple, and if you know me at all, I am a hopeless romantic. I was extreamly dissapointed by the lack of everything that I went to bed early, by myself. The next morning I woke up to a dozen gas-station roses and a card. It was one of those cards that was apologetic but professed his love for me. It was a sweet card, but the entire marriage was something always stated after the fact and a little too late... "Oh I should go to marriage counseling too? You've been going for a year, but I can start going now."
Okay, well not that I wanted to ramble about the negative times in my marriage, but I guess I did. Overall there were some good times and bad, and well as you can see I am now divorced, the negatives far outweighed any of the positives!
I've dated some great and not so great men since 2003 and am so happy I've had all of them in my life! They all brought something special to my life and I always say that each person in your life is there for a reason. I've found that my ex husband brought to me, ease of mind when dealing with cars. He taught me about cars and how I can fix them myself. Not that I want to change a tire by myself, but I can probably do that without much help and it's all thanks to him.
I am sure there will be someone in my future that will fufill my hopes and dreams!
To my ex husband on Valentines Day;
Roses are red. Violets are blue. Thank God I'm no longer married to you.
And although I am not negative about Valentines Day or entirely happy as a bee about the day either, I just thought it was pretty funny!
Today I briefly thought about my past and when I was in a long relationship it wasn't as happy as I always thought it would be! There were a FEW good times in my marriage, but overall things were really dissapointing. The one Valentines Day that I remember was the year where I never said I didn't want a gift. He knew I loved flowers! They are one of my favorite things in the world. They are so beautiful, and smell amazing and I just love all the colors and different kinds. Well, I get home after he does and there were no flowers, no card, no big hug. Keep in mind, this was our first or second valentines day as a married couple, and if you know me at all, I am a hopeless romantic. I was extreamly dissapointed by the lack of everything that I went to bed early, by myself. The next morning I woke up to a dozen gas-station roses and a card. It was one of those cards that was apologetic but professed his love for me. It was a sweet card, but the entire marriage was something always stated after the fact and a little too late... "Oh I should go to marriage counseling too? You've been going for a year, but I can start going now."
Okay, well not that I wanted to ramble about the negative times in my marriage, but I guess I did. Overall there were some good times and bad, and well as you can see I am now divorced, the negatives far outweighed any of the positives!
I've dated some great and not so great men since 2003 and am so happy I've had all of them in my life! They all brought something special to my life and I always say that each person in your life is there for a reason. I've found that my ex husband brought to me, ease of mind when dealing with cars. He taught me about cars and how I can fix them myself. Not that I want to change a tire by myself, but I can probably do that without much help and it's all thanks to him.
I am sure there will be someone in my future that will fufill my hopes and dreams!
Body, Happy Valentine's Day!
Dear Body,
This Valentine’s Day, I wanted to apologize for a few things, and tell you how much I appreciate you—all of you. I know I don’t tell you enough. So, here it goes…
Legs. I often grab you and make fun of you, but then you continue to support me to get to where I need to go, to run, to twirl, to dance, to cuddle. I’m so thankful for you. I promise to be as kind to you as you have been to me. Thank you for forgiving me– You truly are beautiful, and quite helpful.
Butt. Sometimes I tell you I want you to be smaller, but the truth is, you make me feel sexy, no matter what the magazines say. It’s kinda’ hard to admit, but seriously–keep being you. Oh, and I’m so sorry for squeezing you into pants you clearly don’t want to be in. I really appreciate that you get it.
Stomach. I’m deeply sorry that I told you I wished you weren’t there, that I wished you were different than you are. That was a horrible thing to say to you. Sometimes it’s hard for me to remember who I am, and I end up putting the blame on you. It has nothing to do with you, I swear. You make me feel like a woman, and I’m learning to love that. It’s going to just take some time, so thank you from the bottom of my heart for your patience and understanding. Oh, and one day, you will be the very place my future children grow—I can’t tell you how much that means to me. OK, now I’m all emotional.
Boobs. I know I’ve been sending you mixed messaged. Sometimes I want you to be bigger, sometimes smaller, sometimes higher…I can’t imagine how confused you must feel. But no matter what I say, I really appreciate you- you really go with it and allow yourselves to be pushed up and down and all around, for my benefit. I can’t thank you enough. Oh, and I’m so sorry about that one bra poking you all the time.
Arms. I’m so sorry for calling you “mushy and fat”,that was so un-cool. Actually, it was downright bitchy. I can’t believe I would ever be that unkind to you—you allow me to hug, to write, to express myself when I talk–you are so important to me. I so appreciate you sticking with me, and I love you- truly, madly, deeply. Thank you for you.
Face. The fact that you allow me to poke and prod at you, wax you, pluck you, put you down, put makeup on you and leave mascara on you for what seems like days, then you turn around and allow me to express myself and let people know how I feel…It’s utterly amazing. And not to mention, I always thought my grandmother and mother were beautiful, and hearing from people that you look like them is truly a blessing. So thank you for that. Thanks for holding up, I promise to appreciate you forever, and to always smile in pictures to show off your teeth.
Hair. This really goes without saying, because we really do have a special relationship. We’ve been through bleaching, and darkening, straightening, and flat ironing together- you’ve been taken care of, only to be cut off multiple times. It’s hard to express to you how much I appreciate you for always hanging in there, growing back, and continuing to make me feel sexy. I’m so sorry about those one or two short hair cuts, I know you weren’t your best self. I promise to think through things really well before I ever do something like that again. Oh crap...
Feet and collar bone and ears and every part in between…you are the glue that keeps me together. Thank you for being you, for accenting my parts, for being part of me. I am forever grateful that you’re here.
Insides. Thank you for pushing your way to my outsides. I’m so happy the world can see you. I love you.
Body, Happy Valentine’s Day. I know I don’t tell you nearly often enough…I love you.
Adapted by Brook Miller, Boston, MA.
This Valentine’s Day, I wanted to apologize for a few things, and tell you how much I appreciate you—all of you. I know I don’t tell you enough. So, here it goes…
Legs. I often grab you and make fun of you, but then you continue to support me to get to where I need to go, to run, to twirl, to dance, to cuddle. I’m so thankful for you. I promise to be as kind to you as you have been to me. Thank you for forgiving me– You truly are beautiful, and quite helpful.
Butt. Sometimes I tell you I want you to be smaller, but the truth is, you make me feel sexy, no matter what the magazines say. It’s kinda’ hard to admit, but seriously–keep being you. Oh, and I’m so sorry for squeezing you into pants you clearly don’t want to be in. I really appreciate that you get it.
Stomach. I’m deeply sorry that I told you I wished you weren’t there, that I wished you were different than you are. That was a horrible thing to say to you. Sometimes it’s hard for me to remember who I am, and I end up putting the blame on you. It has nothing to do with you, I swear. You make me feel like a woman, and I’m learning to love that. It’s going to just take some time, so thank you from the bottom of my heart for your patience and understanding. Oh, and one day, you will be the very place my future children grow—I can’t tell you how much that means to me. OK, now I’m all emotional.
Boobs. I know I’ve been sending you mixed messaged. Sometimes I want you to be bigger, sometimes smaller, sometimes higher…I can’t imagine how confused you must feel. But no matter what I say, I really appreciate you- you really go with it and allow yourselves to be pushed up and down and all around, for my benefit. I can’t thank you enough. Oh, and I’m so sorry about that one bra poking you all the time.
Arms. I’m so sorry for calling you “mushy and fat”,that was so un-cool. Actually, it was downright bitchy. I can’t believe I would ever be that unkind to you—you allow me to hug, to write, to express myself when I talk–you are so important to me. I so appreciate you sticking with me, and I love you- truly, madly, deeply. Thank you for you.
Face. The fact that you allow me to poke and prod at you, wax you, pluck you, put you down, put makeup on you and leave mascara on you for what seems like days, then you turn around and allow me to express myself and let people know how I feel…It’s utterly amazing. And not to mention, I always thought my grandmother and mother were beautiful, and hearing from people that you look like them is truly a blessing. So thank you for that. Thanks for holding up, I promise to appreciate you forever, and to always smile in pictures to show off your teeth.
Hair. This really goes without saying, because we really do have a special relationship. We’ve been through bleaching, and darkening, straightening, and flat ironing together- you’ve been taken care of, only to be cut off multiple times. It’s hard to express to you how much I appreciate you for always hanging in there, growing back, and continuing to make me feel sexy. I’m so sorry about those one or two short hair cuts, I know you weren’t your best self. I promise to think through things really well before I ever do something like that again. Oh crap...
Feet and collar bone and ears and every part in between…you are the glue that keeps me together. Thank you for being you, for accenting my parts, for being part of me. I am forever grateful that you’re here.
Insides. Thank you for pushing your way to my outsides. I’m so happy the world can see you. I love you.
Body, Happy Valentine’s Day. I know I don’t tell you nearly often enough…I love you.
Adapted by Brook Miller, Boston, MA.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
SICK AND TIRED!!!
I have been dealing with debilitating back pain for 2 and a half years now, and every month it just seems to get worse and worse and worse...
I have missed 2 sick days every month since January through Mid-May which is not like me at all! I am normally the one not using up any sick or vacation time. But when your body refuses to do anything but roll into a ball on the bed, it's pretty hard to go into work let alone make it to the kitchen to eat anything...
So I have been to the doctor about 10 times over the past 2 years, 1 spine specialist, and 1 Chiropractic Doctor. I have had X-Rays, Ultrasounds, CT scans, and an MRI...and they say I am perfectly healthy. (Sure, that's right...because everyone has back pain so terrible that they stay in bed for 2 days straight too.)
The last Chiropractic Doctor said it was something to do with my L5 vertebrae, but I am thoroughly convinced he was trying to sell me his $4200 Spinal Decompression procedure... However after 1 free session, my back was sore, and moved into the worst back pain I have every experienced. I called into sick for 2 days, with my upper left arm basically attached to my side because I couldn't move it. (of course this mistake almost cost me my job.) SO sorry my brain could only function enough to handle the phone let think about emails, or phone calls, or clients.
However at this point, the doctors are not aware that the pain has caused me to miss so much work I could lose my job. I am so fed up with dealing with pain EVERY DAY of my life for the past 2 and a half years. I try not to burden anyone with my pain, because it's not their fault and I don't want to draw attention to myself, but I constantly feel it every day, every second. I am great at hiding my feelings.I am not sure if this is a good or bad thing.
At this time I DESPERATELY need help because I can barely function at work, I still enjoy events with friends, but have to medicate myself to even start to enjoy myself. If you see me more quiet than usual, it means I need more pain medication...I am terribly depressed because I have not lived a normal life for over 2 years. I try to exercise because they say it helps, but I have no energy to run the track. I can walk around a few times, but then I have to come home and rest for an hour. I feel like I am 80 in a 27 year old body.
Please God, will you look upon my body and bless it with healing and positive energy so I can live a life worth living. I need this for myself and for my family, as well as for my sanity! I can't go on much more with this pain.
I have missed 2 sick days every month since January through Mid-May which is not like me at all! I am normally the one not using up any sick or vacation time. But when your body refuses to do anything but roll into a ball on the bed, it's pretty hard to go into work let alone make it to the kitchen to eat anything...
So I have been to the doctor about 10 times over the past 2 years, 1 spine specialist, and 1 Chiropractic Doctor. I have had X-Rays, Ultrasounds, CT scans, and an MRI...and they say I am perfectly healthy. (Sure, that's right...because everyone has back pain so terrible that they stay in bed for 2 days straight too.)
The last Chiropractic Doctor said it was something to do with my L5 vertebrae, but I am thoroughly convinced he was trying to sell me his $4200 Spinal Decompression procedure... However after 1 free session, my back was sore, and moved into the worst back pain I have every experienced. I called into sick for 2 days, with my upper left arm basically attached to my side because I couldn't move it. (of course this mistake almost cost me my job.) SO sorry my brain could only function enough to handle the phone let think about emails, or phone calls, or clients.
However at this point, the doctors are not aware that the pain has caused me to miss so much work I could lose my job. I am so fed up with dealing with pain EVERY DAY of my life for the past 2 and a half years. I try not to burden anyone with my pain, because it's not their fault and I don't want to draw attention to myself, but I constantly feel it every day, every second. I am great at hiding my feelings.I am not sure if this is a good or bad thing.
At this time I DESPERATELY need help because I can barely function at work, I still enjoy events with friends, but have to medicate myself to even start to enjoy myself. If you see me more quiet than usual, it means I need more pain medication...I am terribly depressed because I have not lived a normal life for over 2 years. I try to exercise because they say it helps, but I have no energy to run the track. I can walk around a few times, but then I have to come home and rest for an hour. I feel like I am 80 in a 27 year old body.
Please God, will you look upon my body and bless it with healing and positive energy so I can live a life worth living. I need this for myself and for my family, as well as for my sanity! I can't go on much more with this pain.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)