I find it very ironic that being a tax payer during this down turned economy and having trouble with paying my bills, the government still bails out the credit card companies, and still leaves their tax payers under water.
The credit card companies, (Bank of America, Wells Fargo, Citibank, etc.), receive millions from the government because "they" are suffering by not making enough money to survive. Except their executives are still making 7+ figure salaries. So they pass on their woe's to the consumer. Raise interest rates to absurd amounts to perfectly good clients, meaning me, paying on time, spending money and giving them business. Perfect credit for 10 years, Perfect payment history. Yet, they are having trouble so they raise APR's to levels as high at 29.99%. Many calls later to managers and managers managers, no luck. Sorry, I know you have perfect credit and have never paid us late, but we can't lower your APR level. They also raise the minimum payment so it about doubles the amount due. So then as a consumer you owe twice as much per month without making any mistakes, and the bank gets billions of dollars because they are "struggling."
NOW after not making a payment they realize they can't do without my business. They want my money so bad that they want to lower my interest rate and lower my minimum payment because they are not getting their money. Ha- I tell ya, there is no way you are going to get me to pay you bastards. When I had excellent credit and was a great client and paid on time, you wouldn't lower my APR for shit...
BULL SHIT you lose my business forever.
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Friday, July 16, 2010
3 years and counting
3 years of back pain. Some days you can barely move, some days it would feel better if someone stabbed you because that would be less painful. Thought about crashing a car to go to the hospital to get some medicine to make the pain go away.
X-rays in 2007 and 2010
Ultrasound
MRI
Spine Specialist in 2008
Physical Therapy
I am tired of living with pain. I am tired of having to leave work because I can't move my body. I am tired of canceling plans because I can't function because of the pain. I am tired of sitting in the fetal position for hours to make the pain 5% less. I hate not being able to sit through a movie for 2 hours because I have to switch which butt cheek I am sitting on because the pain is shotting up my back. I hate living every single day with the thought that something is wrong with my back at age 27 and it's never going to get better...
The doctor won't give me pain medicine because he things I will become addicted or something.
Now I have to go BACK to the Spine Specialist, even though my X-rays taken today look absolutely normal. What is the point of going to the Spine Specialist if my back is fine? I don't know. They keep going in circles on the diagnosis. They have absolutely no idea why I am in pain. Now I don't even know if they believe me in my conquest to find what is wrong with me. If in fact, it's not all in my head... Whatever....
I just want some solace in knowing what is wrong and how to fix it. Otherwise, I am going to go CRAZY.
X-rays in 2007 and 2010
Ultrasound
MRI
Spine Specialist in 2008
Physical Therapy
I am tired of living with pain. I am tired of having to leave work because I can't move my body. I am tired of canceling plans because I can't function because of the pain. I am tired of sitting in the fetal position for hours to make the pain 5% less. I hate not being able to sit through a movie for 2 hours because I have to switch which butt cheek I am sitting on because the pain is shotting up my back. I hate living every single day with the thought that something is wrong with my back at age 27 and it's never going to get better...
The doctor won't give me pain medicine because he things I will become addicted or something.
Now I have to go BACK to the Spine Specialist, even though my X-rays taken today look absolutely normal. What is the point of going to the Spine Specialist if my back is fine? I don't know. They keep going in circles on the diagnosis. They have absolutely no idea why I am in pain. Now I don't even know if they believe me in my conquest to find what is wrong with me. If in fact, it's not all in my head... Whatever....
I just want some solace in knowing what is wrong and how to fix it. Otherwise, I am going to go CRAZY.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Train Music Video 7/14/2010
Had a VERY exciting day this week on Wednesday July 14th...And no I did not get married... lol
I am a fan of Train, the band, on Facebook and received a post that they were looking for 50 extras to be in a Train music video, shooting in San Francisco on a Wednesday. I had 5 days of vacation so I though, what the heck! What an experience this could be. I requested the time off and invited my friend Mick, from the meetup group, to go with me.
We're looking for some awesome people to be a part of our newest video that shoots Wednesday. We'll be filming it in (yup, you guessed it) San Francisco!Here are the deets: Shoot Date/Location – Wednesday July 14th in San FranciscoNeeded – 50 Fans in full wedding attireWe look forward to hanging out with all of you on Wednesday!- Pat, Jimmy and Scott
So we drive to Treasure Island, and go to the Chapel as instructed. We check in and sign our wavers and write our name with a big sharpie on a piece of paper. They take a picture of us jail style with the paper in front of our faces. Interesting up to this point. We take a seat and wait for about an hour. There is little activity except for people showing up. There must have been about 50 women, and 4 men. Mick and I just people watch and sit around waiting for something to happen.
Jimmy and Scott come out and mingle with the crowd and take some pictures and sign some autographs. I just sit around at this point because I am pretty bored just waiting. So about 1pm the directors come in and out about a dozen times. Not sure what is going on at this point. Finally all of the directors and back stage people come out and start lighting the scene, but they don’t tell us much of what is going on. We sit and wait.
Now they finally seem ready. They thank us for coming and tell us about the day. We are at a wedding and we are in the audience. They rearrange us and put Mick and I in the front row. Now Nicole is freaking out because I don’t want to be in the front row! Yes I came to a music video, but I thought they were going to have us hang out and be in the crowd in the background. Nope…Crap. So they move me to the side of Mick cause I don’t think I am old enough to look like a mother. So now I become the daughter and they put some stranger next to Mick to play the mom. It works out well because I don’t want to be in that role, and Mick seems to get along with her really well.
They start filing the left side and they are actually, like directing!! One of the directors was standing at the front of the stage while the photography director was shooting their close ups. First he tells them to pretend like they are watching a wedding and are happy to be here and are enjoying the scene. Then all of a sudden we have to whip our heads around and pretend that someone was breaking into the church to interrupt the wedding. That took quite a few takes and maybe about 45 minutes of shooting. I don’t think I made it the film, but that is actually ok with me. I was only thinking that the back of my head would be filmed.
During this time they bring in the one paid actress they have hired. She is this like this 5’11” girl who has this pretty little face. You can tell she is a model or actress and she is sitting right behind us. She starts talking and tells our group the story of the music video because we are a little curious. So this is a wedding where Pat (lead singer) busts into the wedding because his ex-girlfriend is getting married. What we don’t know, is that his ex is getting married to a woman, so it’s a full on lesbian wedding. Haha- fun times.
After that they bring Pat Monahan and the room goes a little quiet because we are all looking in his direction. He goes up to the balcony upstairs and they start filming his role. He is running in and screaming “Elaine” at the entire church. (See this is when we would be turning around wondering who this crazy guy is interrupting this wedding.) The best part is when he is filming they make him do it in slow motion. So he runs up and you can see his arms rise up slowing and he screams in slow motion “E-L-A-I-N-E.” The entire crowd laughs because it’s a funny moment.
After this they start filming the wedding part. They bring in both the bride and the groom. Both woman. They are about to film the part where they kiss and the wedding is over. They are having Pat run into the wedding at the same moment they kiss and we all have to jump up and follow the bride and groom out of the church. So now that we are in the front row, you may see my ass in the video. Not exactly what I was thinking I was there for.
Then Pat says he is about to leave so we all get in line to chat with him, take pictures and get an autograph. We are pretty close to the front, so we get a picture right away. First I take a picture with him, then Mick jumps in and we get a group picture. Fun times. He seems pretty nice and starts to make small talk about the beautiful weather that day. And he was sure right! The view from Treasure Island of the City is just amazing. It’s a clear day and it’s a bit windy.
We sit around for a few more hours and towards the end of the day they ask us all to go outside like we are just arriving at the wedding, but first we walk out of the church pretending that the wedding just ended. We throw up white rose petals and walk off screen. Then we go out on the grass and mingle with people we don’t really know and we are asked to slowly file into the chapel like we are showing up to the wedding. Maybe I’ll be in that part, but again, it’s my butt. What the hell is this! =)
At this point it’s about the end of the day so we say goodbye and leave the chapel to go to the local bar and grill to miss the traffic going home. Decent food from a hole in a wall.
So I get a autograph from Pat, get to act in a music video, dress up on a day off of work, and watch some filming of a music video. What a day! Awesome experience. After our day is over I look it over a bit and discover that they charge about $175 for a meet and greet of the band, so we basically got that for free!
I am a fan of Train, the band, on Facebook and received a post that they were looking for 50 extras to be in a Train music video, shooting in San Francisco on a Wednesday. I had 5 days of vacation so I though, what the heck! What an experience this could be. I requested the time off and invited my friend Mick, from the meetup group, to go with me.
We're looking for some awesome people to be a part of our newest video that shoots Wednesday. We'll be filming it in (yup, you guessed it) San Francisco!Here are the deets: Shoot Date/Location – Wednesday July 14th in San FranciscoNeeded – 50 Fans in full wedding attireWe look forward to hanging out with all of you on Wednesday!- Pat, Jimmy and Scott
So we drive to Treasure Island, and go to the Chapel as instructed. We check in and sign our wavers and write our name with a big sharpie on a piece of paper. They take a picture of us jail style with the paper in front of our faces. Interesting up to this point. We take a seat and wait for about an hour. There is little activity except for people showing up. There must have been about 50 women, and 4 men. Mick and I just people watch and sit around waiting for something to happen.
Jimmy and Scott come out and mingle with the crowd and take some pictures and sign some autographs. I just sit around at this point because I am pretty bored just waiting. So about 1pm the directors come in and out about a dozen times. Not sure what is going on at this point. Finally all of the directors and back stage people come out and start lighting the scene, but they don’t tell us much of what is going on. We sit and wait.
Now they finally seem ready. They thank us for coming and tell us about the day. We are at a wedding and we are in the audience. They rearrange us and put Mick and I in the front row. Now Nicole is freaking out because I don’t want to be in the front row! Yes I came to a music video, but I thought they were going to have us hang out and be in the crowd in the background. Nope…Crap. So they move me to the side of Mick cause I don’t think I am old enough to look like a mother. So now I become the daughter and they put some stranger next to Mick to play the mom. It works out well because I don’t want to be in that role, and Mick seems to get along with her really well.
They start filing the left side and they are actually, like directing!! One of the directors was standing at the front of the stage while the photography director was shooting their close ups. First he tells them to pretend like they are watching a wedding and are happy to be here and are enjoying the scene. Then all of a sudden we have to whip our heads around and pretend that someone was breaking into the church to interrupt the wedding. That took quite a few takes and maybe about 45 minutes of shooting. I don’t think I made it the film, but that is actually ok with me. I was only thinking that the back of my head would be filmed.
During this time they bring in the one paid actress they have hired. She is this like this 5’11” girl who has this pretty little face. You can tell she is a model or actress and she is sitting right behind us. She starts talking and tells our group the story of the music video because we are a little curious. So this is a wedding where Pat (lead singer) busts into the wedding because his ex-girlfriend is getting married. What we don’t know, is that his ex is getting married to a woman, so it’s a full on lesbian wedding. Haha- fun times.
After that they bring Pat Monahan and the room goes a little quiet because we are all looking in his direction. He goes up to the balcony upstairs and they start filming his role. He is running in and screaming “Elaine” at the entire church. (See this is when we would be turning around wondering who this crazy guy is interrupting this wedding.) The best part is when he is filming they make him do it in slow motion. So he runs up and you can see his arms rise up slowing and he screams in slow motion “E-L-A-I-N-E.” The entire crowd laughs because it’s a funny moment.
After this they start filming the wedding part. They bring in both the bride and the groom. Both woman. They are about to film the part where they kiss and the wedding is over. They are having Pat run into the wedding at the same moment they kiss and we all have to jump up and follow the bride and groom out of the church. So now that we are in the front row, you may see my ass in the video. Not exactly what I was thinking I was there for.
Then Pat says he is about to leave so we all get in line to chat with him, take pictures and get an autograph. We are pretty close to the front, so we get a picture right away. First I take a picture with him, then Mick jumps in and we get a group picture. Fun times. He seems pretty nice and starts to make small talk about the beautiful weather that day. And he was sure right! The view from Treasure Island of the City is just amazing. It’s a clear day and it’s a bit windy.
We sit around for a few more hours and towards the end of the day they ask us all to go outside like we are just arriving at the wedding, but first we walk out of the church pretending that the wedding just ended. We throw up white rose petals and walk off screen. Then we go out on the grass and mingle with people we don’t really know and we are asked to slowly file into the chapel like we are showing up to the wedding. Maybe I’ll be in that part, but again, it’s my butt. What the hell is this! =)
At this point it’s about the end of the day so we say goodbye and leave the chapel to go to the local bar and grill to miss the traffic going home. Decent food from a hole in a wall.
So I get a autograph from Pat, get to act in a music video, dress up on a day off of work, and watch some filming of a music video. What a day! Awesome experience. After our day is over I look it over a bit and discover that they charge about $175 for a meet and greet of the band, so we basically got that for free!
Saturday, June 26, 2010
Packing and memories...
So I am going through boxes...again. I am packing up books and stuff...again. House is a mess from boxes...again. This must mean I am moving...AGAIN. Yes this would have to be 27 or 28 times now...I digress...
I am writing because I was packing up a box, pulling out scrapbooks I should show my dad since he never saw me through my High School years. I then came across a little book titled "A Time Capsule Journal, My High School Graduation." Wow what a coincidence...my High School Graduation Song just came on the Radio. Green Day, Time of your life. How original. Anyway...I wanted to share some things about my High School years. Now many of my friends are from 1 to 20+ years older than me, so I am sure they could write some stuff about their High School years as well, but these are my facts and this is my story.
High school cheer: I didn't like cheerleaders
Crush: Wally Murray. (RIP)
Worst Class: Math or Chemistry. Sorry Mr. Wheeler and Ms. Drazinski.
What i wanted to be when I grew up: Teacher, Doctor, Vet, Astronomer.
First Kiss: Mike Vine in Freshman Year.
My best Friends: Jaki Lobdell, Robert Depetris, Katherine Greco, Beth Bessler, Katrina Lyons, Stacie Vanslyke. (What a interesting bunch)
Nickname: Nikki, Kieko...Ok well I have to restate my fact in this day, that I have never had a nick-name. Thank you Katherine Greco!
Most fun party thrown by me or my friends... Can I leave this out? Ok fine, Parties all Sophomore, and part of Junior year thrown by myself. "I got an Idea!!" Dedicated to Beth.
Summer Vacation: Went to New Jersey and got hit by Lightning. Well that is a fun summer vacation!!
Club or team I wish i were a part of: Ski club. (We had a ski club??)
My salary at my first job: $5.15 a hour... well I have moved up in the world. THANK GOD.
Most vivid memory of getting into trouble: I was a good little girl. (Snicker)
How I treated underclassmen: I really hated Freshman! I made fun of them. (No I didn't, at least I don't remember doing that.)
What we did after the Prom: We went bowling. (Of course we did)
Memory about Graduation/Theme of graduation speaker's speech: Mr. Christi told us we were all non believers in god and we were all going to hell. (Well that was the basis of the speech.)
College Information: Blank
Favorite TV Shows: Dawson's Creek, Ally McBeal and Friends.
Favorite Sports Team: 49ers
"Must-have" items: cell phones and pagers
Stamp cost: $.34
Going to the movies: $7.50
President: Bill Clinton
Who the president of the US will be: A woman, or a African American. (Nice guess Nicole.)
AND THE MOST IMPORTANT ONE:
How many years after High School I'll open this book: EVERYTIME I move and go through boxes...so true.
I am writing because I was packing up a box, pulling out scrapbooks I should show my dad since he never saw me through my High School years. I then came across a little book titled "A Time Capsule Journal, My High School Graduation." Wow what a coincidence...my High School Graduation Song just came on the Radio. Green Day, Time of your life. How original. Anyway...I wanted to share some things about my High School years. Now many of my friends are from 1 to 20+ years older than me, so I am sure they could write some stuff about their High School years as well, but these are my facts and this is my story.
Facts:
High school cheer: I didn't like cheerleaders
Crush: Wally Murray. (RIP)
Worst Class: Math or Chemistry. Sorry Mr. Wheeler and Ms. Drazinski.
What i wanted to be when I grew up: Teacher, Doctor, Vet, Astronomer.
First Kiss: Mike Vine in Freshman Year.
My best Friends: Jaki Lobdell, Robert Depetris, Katherine Greco, Beth Bessler, Katrina Lyons, Stacie Vanslyke. (What a interesting bunch)
Nickname: Nikki, Kieko...Ok well I have to restate my fact in this day, that I have never had a nick-name. Thank you Katherine Greco!
Most fun party thrown by me or my friends... Can I leave this out? Ok fine, Parties all Sophomore, and part of Junior year thrown by myself. "I got an Idea!!" Dedicated to Beth.
Summer Vacation: Went to New Jersey and got hit by Lightning. Well that is a fun summer vacation!!
Club or team I wish i were a part of: Ski club. (We had a ski club??)
My salary at my first job: $5.15 a hour... well I have moved up in the world. THANK GOD.
Most vivid memory of getting into trouble: I was a good little girl. (Snicker)
How I treated underclassmen: I really hated Freshman! I made fun of them. (No I didn't, at least I don't remember doing that.)
What we did after the Prom: We went bowling. (Of course we did)
Memory about Graduation/Theme of graduation speaker's speech: Mr. Christi told us we were all non believers in god and we were all going to hell. (Well that was the basis of the speech.)
College Information: Blank
Favorite TV Shows: Dawson's Creek, Ally McBeal and Friends.
Favorite Sports Team: 49ers
"Must-have" items: cell phones and pagers
Stamp cost: $.34
Going to the movies: $7.50
President: Bill Clinton
Who the president of the US will be: A woman, or a African American. (Nice guess Nicole.)
AND THE MOST IMPORTANT ONE:
How many years after High School I'll open this book: EVERYTIME I move and go through boxes...so true.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Master of our own happiness
Nicole has decided to be master of her own happiness ... Let go of the past, clean up the present, and embrace the future.
Do you ever wonder where you'd be if you had made ONE different choice in your life? It's amazing how every day we can drastically change the route of our lives.
Sometimes we have to make the wrong choices in order to get our lives on the right track.
If you limit your choices only to what seems possible or reasonable, you disconnect yourself from what you truly want, and all that is left is a compromise.
Life isn't hard...it's the choices we make that can be. The wrong one can change a life completely. The right one can change a life eternally!
The choices you make create the life that you end up with. Because life is a series of choices, ultimately, you define yourself.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
SICK AND TIRED!!!
I have been dealing with debilitating back pain for 2 and a half years now, and every month it just seems to get worse and worse and worse...
I have missed 2 sick days every month since January through Mid-May which is not like me at all! I am normally the one not using up any sick or vacation time. But when your body refuses to do anything but roll into a ball on the bed, it's pretty hard to go into work let alone make it to the kitchen to eat anything...
So I have been to the doctor about 10 times over the past 2 years, 1 spine specialist, and 1 Chiropractic Doctor. I have had X-Rays, Ultrasounds, CT scans, and an MRI...and they say I am perfectly healthy. (Sure, that's right...because everyone has back pain so terrible that they stay in bed for 2 days straight too.)
The last Chiropractic Doctor said it was something to do with my L5 vertebrae, but I am thoroughly convinced he was trying to sell me his $4200 Spinal Decompression procedure... However after 1 free session, my back was sore, and moved into the worst back pain I have every experienced. I called into sick for 2 days, with my upper left arm basically attached to my side because I couldn't move it. (of course this mistake almost cost me my job.) SO sorry my brain could only function enough to handle the phone let think about emails, or phone calls, or clients.
However at this point, the doctors are not aware that the pain has caused me to miss so much work I could lose my job. I am so fed up with dealing with pain EVERY DAY of my life for the past 2 and a half years. I try not to burden anyone with my pain, because it's not their fault and I don't want to draw attention to myself, but I constantly feel it every day, every second. I am great at hiding my feelings.I am not sure if this is a good or bad thing.
At this time I DESPERATELY need help because I can barely function at work, I still enjoy events with friends, but have to medicate myself to even start to enjoy myself. If you see me more quiet than usual, it means I need more pain medication...I am terribly depressed because I have not lived a normal life for over 2 years. I try to exercise because they say it helps, but I have no energy to run the track. I can walk around a few times, but then I have to come home and rest for an hour. I feel like I am 80 in a 27 year old body.
Please God, will you look upon my body and bless it with healing and positive energy so I can live a life worth living. I need this for myself and for my family, as well as for my sanity! I can't go on much more with this pain.
I have missed 2 sick days every month since January through Mid-May which is not like me at all! I am normally the one not using up any sick or vacation time. But when your body refuses to do anything but roll into a ball on the bed, it's pretty hard to go into work let alone make it to the kitchen to eat anything...
So I have been to the doctor about 10 times over the past 2 years, 1 spine specialist, and 1 Chiropractic Doctor. I have had X-Rays, Ultrasounds, CT scans, and an MRI...and they say I am perfectly healthy. (Sure, that's right...because everyone has back pain so terrible that they stay in bed for 2 days straight too.)
The last Chiropractic Doctor said it was something to do with my L5 vertebrae, but I am thoroughly convinced he was trying to sell me his $4200 Spinal Decompression procedure... However after 1 free session, my back was sore, and moved into the worst back pain I have every experienced. I called into sick for 2 days, with my upper left arm basically attached to my side because I couldn't move it. (of course this mistake almost cost me my job.) SO sorry my brain could only function enough to handle the phone let think about emails, or phone calls, or clients.
However at this point, the doctors are not aware that the pain has caused me to miss so much work I could lose my job. I am so fed up with dealing with pain EVERY DAY of my life for the past 2 and a half years. I try not to burden anyone with my pain, because it's not their fault and I don't want to draw attention to myself, but I constantly feel it every day, every second. I am great at hiding my feelings.I am not sure if this is a good or bad thing.
At this time I DESPERATELY need help because I can barely function at work, I still enjoy events with friends, but have to medicate myself to even start to enjoy myself. If you see me more quiet than usual, it means I need more pain medication...I am terribly depressed because I have not lived a normal life for over 2 years. I try to exercise because they say it helps, but I have no energy to run the track. I can walk around a few times, but then I have to come home and rest for an hour. I feel like I am 80 in a 27 year old body.
Please God, will you look upon my body and bless it with healing and positive energy so I can live a life worth living. I need this for myself and for my family, as well as for my sanity! I can't go on much more with this pain.
Friday, April 16, 2010
Did I do the right thing?
I almost feel embarassed by publishing such personal stuff for the world to see. Is this the right thing to do or should I keep it to myself? Will people really read this? Will they think less of me for publishing such personal stuff, or will they have greater respect for me because I am baring my soul?
Who knows, but always remember:
“I laugh, I love, I hope, I try, I hurt, I need, I fear, I cry. And I know you do the same things too, So we're really not that different, me and you.” - Colin Raye
"Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of other's opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.” -Steve Jobs
Who knows, but always remember:
“I laugh, I love, I hope, I try, I hurt, I need, I fear, I cry. And I know you do the same things too, So we're really not that different, me and you.” - Colin Raye
"Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of other's opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.” -Steve Jobs
Thursday, April 15, 2010
It's a new dawn, it's a new day...
First blog. How exciting. Hopefully there is spell check cause I type slower than I think. The words can't hit the paper fast enough.
First, I am starting a blog because I want to track some things in my life and for people to get to know the real "Nicole." It's exciting. Changes are coming. At this point in my life I am in the midst of deciding who is important in my life, who should stay and who should go. It is sometimes a difficult decision, but sometimes an easy one. Some quick and some slowly letting go. I try to be patient, which, I think, is one of my worst qualities. But at times lately I feel like I am not quick enough to decide things in my life. I pose questions and get multiple answers before moving on. Sometimes I think a clean break is needed.
A wonderful thing happened to me in the past few months and weeks. My half-sister Michelle reached out to me by e-mail and we have met for the first time in 14 years! Now it took me a few days or even possibly a few weeks to write her back. I was not sure if I should answer, how I should answer, and what in the world would I say? I think I kept it simple and we exchanged a few emails and decided that we should meet someday. Well that day has come and passed. First I was invited to an A's game because her boyfriend is a starting Pitcher for the A's and he was the pitcher that night. I was excited and nervous. Tried on dozens of outfits, made sure my hair and makeup was just right. I did all this because Michelle said that she and her sister Kimberly always looked up to me when they were 6 and 7 and remember having me in their lives. I was not shocked by this information, but it was comforting to know that they remembered me, and it was interesting to see that they looked up to ME?!?! I never thought I would be a role-model for anyone or have an impact on anyone's life. Well I did much to my dismay.
Well the first meeting went well and was mostly casual. I was not nervous once I saw her and we hugged. It was a first meeting of friends, sharing a little bit about ourselves and what life is like now. Nothing huge, and nothing mind blowing. Just simple girl-talk.
Our second meeting was to a Giants game on April 13th, 2010. Now this date I will always remember for some reason. It was more casual and I was interested in talking more and getting to know her. We caught up on some family history and what has happened for the last 14 years. Then we started talking about "our"' dad. She mentions that they have all talked together about me and the relationship they have had with me. Dad feels a little upset at how things have turned out and would love to have a relationship with his "first" daughter, me. He also feels a little hurt and confused about the past.
Well at this point, I just want to cry. I honestly never thought of my dad as a human and having feelings. I always thought of him as the "father" that was never there and who deserted me for what purpose. It is hard to put into words on paper how I felt. Some relief to know that he is in fact a human, and has feelings towards me. Again, it is hard to express on paper (or computer) my exact feelings.
So now where do we go from here? What paths lay in front of me? I belive that I can have a relationship with my "sisters" and in the future with my father. The other half that created me. What an amazing thought!
I plan on meeting my father one day in the future, whether that is weeks or months from now, but feel that I am going to get my chance to let myself out of this cage I have been locked in for 27 years. I don't know if I need to have him in my life as a father figure, but I need to work on forgiving him for what he has done and how he has affected me with every breath I take. I need to get off my chest how I feel and what I think of him, and relieve this pressure that has been drowning my heart for 27 years. I don't know if this will end up as me expressing my feelings by anger or sadness or fear. I imaging that it would be easy to yell and get it out in the open and say everything I have been wanting to say since I was a child. How much I have been hurting by his decision to leave. How much pain he has caused in my own love life and my view toward men. I would love to explain that I don't know if I can forgive him but I hope to in the future. It may take years, but it will get there some day.
We can only live one day at a time and I believe this is the start of a new life for me. I can move on with the opportunity to work personal issues that have been dragging me down for years. I have sisters that want to be involved in my life. I have a father, that wants to be involved in my life. I only see endless possibilities for my life in the future...
First, I am starting a blog because I want to track some things in my life and for people to get to know the real "Nicole." It's exciting. Changes are coming. At this point in my life I am in the midst of deciding who is important in my life, who should stay and who should go. It is sometimes a difficult decision, but sometimes an easy one. Some quick and some slowly letting go. I try to be patient, which, I think, is one of my worst qualities. But at times lately I feel like I am not quick enough to decide things in my life. I pose questions and get multiple answers before moving on. Sometimes I think a clean break is needed.
A wonderful thing happened to me in the past few months and weeks. My half-sister Michelle reached out to me by e-mail and we have met for the first time in 14 years! Now it took me a few days or even possibly a few weeks to write her back. I was not sure if I should answer, how I should answer, and what in the world would I say? I think I kept it simple and we exchanged a few emails and decided that we should meet someday. Well that day has come and passed. First I was invited to an A's game because her boyfriend is a starting Pitcher for the A's and he was the pitcher that night. I was excited and nervous. Tried on dozens of outfits, made sure my hair and makeup was just right. I did all this because Michelle said that she and her sister Kimberly always looked up to me when they were 6 and 7 and remember having me in their lives. I was not shocked by this information, but it was comforting to know that they remembered me, and it was interesting to see that they looked up to ME?!?! I never thought I would be a role-model for anyone or have an impact on anyone's life. Well I did much to my dismay.
Well the first meeting went well and was mostly casual. I was not nervous once I saw her and we hugged. It was a first meeting of friends, sharing a little bit about ourselves and what life is like now. Nothing huge, and nothing mind blowing. Just simple girl-talk.
Our second meeting was to a Giants game on April 13th, 2010. Now this date I will always remember for some reason. It was more casual and I was interested in talking more and getting to know her. We caught up on some family history and what has happened for the last 14 years. Then we started talking about "our"' dad. She mentions that they have all talked together about me and the relationship they have had with me. Dad feels a little upset at how things have turned out and would love to have a relationship with his "first" daughter, me. He also feels a little hurt and confused about the past.
Well at this point, I just want to cry. I honestly never thought of my dad as a human and having feelings. I always thought of him as the "father" that was never there and who deserted me for what purpose. It is hard to put into words on paper how I felt. Some relief to know that he is in fact a human, and has feelings towards me. Again, it is hard to express on paper (or computer) my exact feelings.
So now where do we go from here? What paths lay in front of me? I belive that I can have a relationship with my "sisters" and in the future with my father. The other half that created me. What an amazing thought!
I plan on meeting my father one day in the future, whether that is weeks or months from now, but feel that I am going to get my chance to let myself out of this cage I have been locked in for 27 years. I don't know if I need to have him in my life as a father figure, but I need to work on forgiving him for what he has done and how he has affected me with every breath I take. I need to get off my chest how I feel and what I think of him, and relieve this pressure that has been drowning my heart for 27 years. I don't know if this will end up as me expressing my feelings by anger or sadness or fear. I imaging that it would be easy to yell and get it out in the open and say everything I have been wanting to say since I was a child. How much I have been hurting by his decision to leave. How much pain he has caused in my own love life and my view toward men. I would love to explain that I don't know if I can forgive him but I hope to in the future. It may take years, but it will get there some day.
We can only live one day at a time and I believe this is the start of a new life for me. I can move on with the opportunity to work personal issues that have been dragging me down for years. I have sisters that want to be involved in my life. I have a father, that wants to be involved in my life. I only see endless possibilities for my life in the future...
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